Massive and un-restrained title change was necessary

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm FREAKIN out, man! I'M FREAKIN OUT!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I need to relax. maybe find a girl, calm down. watch a movie. sleep.

AHHHHHHHHHH

I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been in a weird mood the last couple of days, not quite depressed, but not happy either. really restless. I don't think christmas is what I want right now, but unfortunately, even if my heart stops, the world still moves around me.
I'm lonely. I sit here writing this in the apartment, all by myself except for the crazy kit laying on my bed. and she's good company, but she's... just not human. I want some human companionship, I wish someone was here.
Michael said he was going to come over a couple nights in a row, and ended up not coming over. And then there was the fact that when Ryan Kevin and Monroe hung out I was christmas shopping and spending a little bit of time with my dad.
I don't like to spend time with my dad, I really don't. It's not that he abuses me anymore, it's the fact that he can't remember what it is I just told him from moment to moment. he asked me about 17 times "So, you're not interested in Herpetology anymore?"
The fact that I don't want to see him makes me feel like a wasteland. I'm hollow, empty. It's not really fair to him. It's not. and he still scares me sometimes with the constant stream of letters and the constant riding his bike past at weird hours.

The fact that Ryan and Kevin have an even more limited amount of time than me to hang out is upsetting. the last week I was moving into the apartment, and didn't really have spare time. They work at walmart and only get one or two days free every week.

Is that how it is going to be for me, when I get a job? Neither Kevin nor Ryan ever call me, and I have given my cell to both of them. Kevin's line is always busy on the internet or no one is there when I try to call, and Ryan's phone is either disconnected or he's working. I will say that I haven't called them recently.


I guess we'll see what happens.

I wasn't charmed by something I watched yesterday.

I was watching TNT the other day, and I saw a commercial on the television with the actors of Charmed talking about how their show was good, and why the characters were dynamic/likeable.
So I sat down and bothered to watch some of the show, while I was folding laundry, and doing other useful things around the apartment (yeah, right).

Wow. what a shitty show!!! I can deal with the low budget effects, as alot of tv shows have them that I can and do enjoy. Not everyone has millions of dollars to spend on spiffy effects.
But what I can't deal with is the way the actors play their roles, or more accuratley, don't.
One major problem was the sheer stupidity of the characters. They don't sit down to think about anything.
Here's one- apparently the three main characters have a very important job to protect humanity. However, when something looks important, they're like, "let's not panick! It's not like there have been earth quakes and tidal waves everywhere, and one of us has been having these prophetic dreams about the end of the world!"
Instead, one of the sisters says something along the lines of "let's disregard the fact that we have these special powers and assume you're wrong (when it is very obvious to ANYONE, not only the viewer....) and go on with our normal lives. well guess what??? you DON'T get TO HAVE normal lives! you're witches charged with the protection of the world, there's no "normal" about that! and you choose to purposefully disregard what is clear to anyone on scene or off???

Of course, I shouldn't hate the actors. It is, of course, the fault of the screenwriters who can't seem to think of any other way to create conflict. so they create conflict by making the sisters bicker over stupid stuff NO ONE argues over. and make stupid decisions no one would make- ever. I hate TV.

Life and things. always changing, sometimes for the worst, sometimes for the better.

First on my list is that I talked to my mom about this last semester of college. She knew I had given up, and I had known that she had known but didn't want to talk about it. I was terrified that she would be really dissapointed in me. she wasn't, she was supportive... and I was kind of depressed last night. I felt like I had to try and work at it, even though it wasn't where i needed to be and it wasn't where i belonged.

I'm not sure I know yet exactly where I belong. but this is better already.

Sophie, Dan and Courtney's cat, walked around like it couldn't believe that dan was gone the other day. Today she played with one of the N64 controller cords and bit my hand alot, alternatively purring and dashing all around the living room. now she's sitting next to the computer, cleaning herself.

My roll pan came in about 5 days ago, and I intend to go to walmart and get some red spray paint and some clear acrylic coat and paint and seal it.

Then, maybe tommorow, I'll find out how the bumper comes completley off. I still have to drill some holes in the roll pan, and I'm not exactly sure how it mounts. it didn't come with any instructions, and it isn't super strong fiberglass. I am unimpressed... I have seen better fiberglass. it's just bad quality. it's like plastered fiberglass or something. arg!
so that's this week's project.

I am more or less moved into the apartment; I officially move in this coming monday. exciting!

man i crack myself up. Me and amanda played a great game of starcraft just now... we barely survived the attacks of the computer (we were both terran) and ended up taking our bases into the air and jumping them around a whole lot!
Finally i got enough of a defense up that they couldn't attack easily, and then we just slowly built the formidable force called CAPITAL starships.

geezzz... you can tell i am tired.
also, i met this really nice girl named lindsay(lindsey?) who used to go to Norman North. I wondered if I should ask for her number but that seemed non-erik-modus operandi. so i didn't. I don't know, she ACTED intrested, or at least talked to me more than she did the others... I don't THINK i was hallucinating but who knows.
anyway... she came over to the dorm with michelle, and we talked about living in norman (kind of weird that we both lived here and have never seen each other) and she said she liked my long hair (i think) and we talked music for a little while.

OH! something random- carl's jr. gave me an hardee's honey mustard sauce! that's prett weird.. hardee's hasn't been in oklahoma for like.. 6 years at least.
what else.. i am trying to make this intellig(ble)(ent) but it doesn't seem to be working.
I have never dated without having gotten to know someone first- am i going to break that now? who knows. maybe i should break it.
*softly* argle. well, i am going to go piss wes off even more by sleeping now. good for him, always gotta regulate. i think he was pissed that i was talking to lindsay too (he randomly walked down and saw us talking and maybe he gave me a dirty look).

yeah.
later.

allright....starcraft is so addicting!
I played it all night, haven't slept yet... beat people alot....
showed raymond and amanda the meaning of ZERG! rush....
arg! that game makes me crazy!

at about 8:30 Central Time, according to newsreports, Saddam Hussien was captured.

I don't know whether or not I'm happy, but I do feel like a little justice was dealt out, at least.

The Iraqi people will execute him if he goes on trial... wait, anyone will. I don't know how I feel about that either.

But he was caught. and he needed to be caught.

I have taken a quote from donald's blog. I intend to use it to show how bleak and sickening my life really is.

"oh, and for those of you going to the semi-formal, some advice."

Never again. ever. there are no more semi formals. there aren't even any more dances.
If it wasn't for the fact that I am too old to attend a high school semi-formal- it'd be the fact that I don't think I will find anyone I want to take.
little story- one that doesn't hurt, but... makes me sigh, and think, "damn, if only you were attracted to people that LIKED you!"

Michelle is intrested in Ryan, I think. or Ryan is intrested in Michelle, it doesn't matter. Good for her, good for him. I like Ryan/Mooseballs/Mcgee, or whatever you want to call him, and I wish him only happiness. I also wish Michelle only hapiness.

But why can't I seem to find happiness??? I really hate myself over this- I do. I am not happy, and it seems I am also STUPID enough to be attracted to the wrong people. People that don't really have anything in common with me, and have no reason to be interested in me because I dress poor, like a punk or some wannabe punk rocker/skater
and maybe because I have no right thumb.
Good for me, right!!

well, I haven't updated in a while. because old compy crashed it's silly ass sensless.
I reformatted- and while messing with it a screw fell inside of it. arg!
so me and michael took the cover off to recover the screw. what did we find inside? surprisingly, I found a plug that had apparently never been plugged in.

When we first got this peice of crap back in 98, My mom thought it had no sound card, because speakers and other things NEVER worked on it.
well,
I, being computer illiterate back then, didn't know any better.
BUT when I saw the plug, I got to wondering. I found a couple of places to plug it in, and lo and behold, I HAVE SOUND! how awsome is that!

SO, even though I had to reformat, and lost everything, I gained sound.
A fair deal, maybe.

So I played trivial pursuit until odd hours of the night instead of sleeping... that seems to be a bad hbit of mine. just, wasting tme. I do it alot.
that and doing sensless shit that makes me feel bad. that too.

I haven't talked to a couple people in several days- I don't know how I feel about it.
I do talk to some OTHER people alot, and I don't know how I feel about THAT.

I can't wait for the semester to be over....it'll be easier then. alot easier. I'll have more time to do alot of nothing... but, I'll also have time to move into the apartment.

Dan's cat, Sophie,is staying, and now she's under my charge. At least, she will be for a semester, I think. I'll probably have to talk it over with Adam, but we'll see. He might not want her to stay.... and James WAS oppoesd to the idea at first. I like it, I miss having a cat near and around all the time a lot. It will be good, if only for a semester.

But that does mean I will have to clean up after her and such. We'll see how that goes... that was what James was concerned about.

I don't know how I feel right now. I don't. and that's strange- I don't know if I am depressed or happy or what. I'm just living. that's kind of weird- I did that alot, and now I'm doing it again. but before I was always depressed.
I wish I did know how I felt.

Allright. IF you see someone's personal profile in AIM, yahoo, WHATEVER, and it says something along the lines of "I can't believe I found (your screenname here)'s here!"

THAT'S A TROJAN VIRUS do everyone a favor and don't click it. and, if your profile looks like that? do everyone a favor and open up internet explorer (or whatever it is you use) and go to Tools-Internet Options-Delete Files- Delete All offline content. clean out ALL of your cookies and temporary internet files, and then search for "new.hta". if your computer finds this, delete it.

This will save someone the trouble of having to run Spybot- Search&Destroy 3 times, namely, someone like me.
Also, if you don't like adware/spyware, and you have alot on your computer, I suggest going to Google and Searching for "Spybot- Search and Desroy." It's a great program.

man I am a stupid, silly person. someone was logged on but not at their computer, and the fact that I hadn't talked to them in ages coupled with the fact that I tried to message them made me depressed. I feel bad, and over nothing. why why? I don't know.
When have I ever been rational.

man. I hate spam. I changed emails to get away from it, and I want to keep my new address comercially private, but hey! I look in my (empty) inbox, and what's there?? a peice of spam FROM YAHOO!!! nazis. make me want to kill myself, and then who would they spam???

On a different note, I wanted to talk about stabbing (that's my term for using an online journal or any other intermediary source to nail someone in the back).

I don't like the idea of stabbing... I don't, but I also wish that I could write whatever the fuck I pleased on this site. including bad things. I wish, honestly, that I didn't care what anyone thought.

But it seems, even here, on my OWN online journal, I have to edit myself.
I can't be honest about my feelings, because then people will be like, "Holy shit, what the fuck is wrong with that erik kid!!!"
People read this. they do, and I worry about hurting their feelings, or writing something they dissaprove of and feel they have to respond to.
Like, for instance, when I wrote about wanting to try a pipe sometime. Sarah responded to that. Now, her response wasn't judgemental- but let me go to an extreme here for a second.
Actually, lets not.
but there are lots of things I can't say here.... Without hurting someone, or making them leery of me... For example, my suicide comments probably bug some people.
Here's a rating scale for how serous my suicide comments are:
1-10 (10 being me throwing myself off a building)
In relation to things like spam mail- 2
Having to do wth being impatient- 3
In relation to being depressed- 1
In relation to dissapointing my mom- 6
In relation to screwing up my life- 2
Having to do with being hungry- 9

allright, so there is something wrong with this list. hmmm... yeah, maybe it's the fact that IT'S FUCKING SARCASTIC!

I may be depressed, but I'm never suicidal. (mostly)
I wish I were, people take advantage of that. they're like, "Oh, Erik isn't suicidal??? Hell ya, I'll ask him for rides all the time!!!" If I was suicidal over it, they wouldn't ask (this one gets a 5 in my list)
anothr example is, "hey, erik isn't suicidal so i'll betray him! I don't feel that bad, because I know it won't drive him to kill himself!" (people who twist the knife piss me off and rate a 7)
another example... "I know erik isn't suicidal, so I'll be intrested in every one of his damn friends! If he was, he'd surely kill himself, but he isn't, so it's okay If I'm indecisive and keep griping to him how I can't date them because they're his friends!" THIS RATES A 10!
and, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! be intrested in them and date one, but don't be intrested in them AND THEN GRIPE TO ME because YOU can't DATE THEM because they're MY FRIENDS!!!! I know that, and I DON'T CARE! If one of them hurts your damn feelings, I'll listen! but JESUS! it's not that hard!
people who say things like "do be do," "I hate _______ people," "neway, u, ru, tyme, etc. etc.," "It's a good thing you have your looks," THESE THINGS get a 8 in my book. I just want to run off a damn building.

I wonder how many people take me serious on this. If you did, chances are you should see a psychiatrist.

well I got way off topic but got to rant about the things bothering me in my usual roundabout sarcastic way.. even though a couple don't bug me that much.
Damn. I wish this semester were over.

My hinges hidden
but not nearly well enough
digging in my heart


actually, it would be easier to kill myself than to dissapoint my mom.

I played a game of axis and allies tonight. I was Japan again, I always am.
My navy was huge! America didn't even have one... But then Matt left and I had to run the damn deutchland as well. I hate running both- I really actually like running the small fight countries, keep me away from Russia and Germany and their bloodshed!
Actually, I wouldn't mind playing germany, or for that matter, USA. although US gets handed in the pacific like a little bitch real fast.

I can't wait for this semester to end. I get to move into the apartment, and I get to live on my own. but I wonder what my mom will think at the end of this semester. I think she'll be really dissapointed in me. I don't like that... suicide would be alot better. Sometimes I really hate myself...
anyway. It's not like it matters. I have minor things to worry about, right?
I need to think about a BEGINNING to my story.
yeah... whatever....

CHAPTER 6

It was nearly afternoon. We hadn't moved yet. The tent was still set up, even, and Saryn was still sleeping inside. Finder was smoking a cigarette, and I was staring into the fire. Have you ever had a conversation with an inanimate object before? Or maybe an object you think is inanimate?
Here I was, talking to the fire. I didn't talk, exactly. It just kind of let off information like smoke, and responded to queries. So did all the trees, and most anything else around me. I don't think it's actually an individual thing- I have started to see a web, a pattern, in it all.
Nothing had anything interesting to "tell" me, so I turned to Finder. He always had something intresting on his mind.
I felt cold steel in my hands, and I could see myself looking down at a pistol. the information that it was made by Colt comes into my mind. I personally know very little about guns.
But Finder knows alot. I can't understand most of the thoughts jumping in and out of his conscious mind, and he never bothers to slow down and explain the principles to me. No surprise, since he doesn't know I see his thoughts as easily as he sees the ground in front of him.
Finder put the colt 'away,' I can't see where it went. It just does, like the lighter. It's not speed. it's more like he's calling it from somewhere.
Something nags at the back of my mind. I can feel the mice in my head again, louder, angrier. Am I responsible for what has happened? Am I responsible for where we are?
Finder looks up. He is cleaning some sort of a rifle, It's completely matte black. I have no name for it. Finder has it labeled as an M23A1 in his head.
He looks over at me. "Figured we could use something to eat," he says.
You're going hunting with that??
"Sure," he replies. The fact that I didn't open my mouth doesn't seem to bother him. "What do you expect me to hunt with? a bow and arrows? Maybe the colt, but this works better."
I look over at the bag again. "What all do you have in there, anyway?" I ask.
He looks over at the bag, absent mindedly giving the rifle a loving caress with the oil cloth.
"Not as much as you'd think. I have this rifle, the colt, and a .338 AWSMS Sniper rifle. I also have the pots and pans, and the tent and sleeping bags. Plus the assorted odd things I have picked up so far."
It was my turn to raise an eyebrow.
"You know, someone could help carry that."
He took a long drag of the cigarette, and then he extinguished what was left of it with his boot. I noticed that the cigarette was not on the ground. I wondered how he did things like that.
"I don't mind. I'm going to be the only one using the guns anyway, and they're most of the weight." He looked sideways at me. "You don't even know how to shoot, do you." He simply stated it, as if he already knew.
"If I ever did, I don't remember," I said. "I'm not sure I want to learn how to try."
He starts putting the rifle back together as he speaks. "I first started shooting as a kid, then in the military. Before I found myself here, I was a supernatural bounty hunter. So I've had a lot of experience."
Finder holds up the assembled weapon. It doesn't look like any rifle I've ever seen, it's kind of squarish and boxy, and it's barrel is much shorter than that of an M16.
"This is the newest 'small' rifle that I can buy, illegally, as you'll normally only find this used by the police or the military. It uses a standard 5.56 round that you can buy almost anywhere, it's used by alot of rifles these days. I however, have a couple of magazines of SHT 5.56 ammunition, in addition to the normal rounds."
He grimaces. "We call them SHIT! rounds, because if you have to use them you're in deeper shit than you should be. they're Silver Hollow Tips. We use them to take down lycanthropes... most shapeshifters. There is also a SHTSN round. It's filled with Silver Nitrate and then sealed. They kill vampires very quickly. There isn't much that can. I load those in the .45."
The idea of Finder hunting someone or something bothered me.
Finder frowned. "Well, It really doesn't matter. I don't think we'll encounter any werewolves or vampires here, maybe a mountain troll or something. I'll go get us some dinner."
He turned, and walked quitely off into the forest.
I looked at his bag, trying to feel what was inside. I couldn't feel anything, the bag felt empty to me. I picked it up, and it was light, as if there really was nothing in it. I reached a hand in, and there was nothing there. I didn't think finder was lying, so I guessed that it only effected him, somehow. I wondered if it was somehow connected with the dissapearing tricks he pulled with the cigarettes and lighter.
I wondered if I could control my 'slips.'I tried, concentrating on the bag, but I didn't know what to do. a brief image of night, Finder was bleeding, he had deep cuts in his shoulder. His shirt looked as if it had been savaged, something had scratched him. A dark shape ran to his right, and he spun sideways towards the movement. It was large, and it wasn't quite human
The vision slipped away into the darkness, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to retrieve it. I heard a rifle report somewhere, and I wondered if it somehow had moved out of the vision, or if it was Finder, killing some hapless animal.
A sound from the tent broke me from my musings. I spun, instantly feeling the fact that Saryn was up. She was dizzy, and she was cold, but she was awake.
I stood, wondering if I should go to the tent. The mice in my head chittered at my indecision, and I absent mindedly swatted at them. They seemed to still in angry protests. I walked towards the tent, and I opened the zipper of the tent.

Saryn was standing up, wrapped in the sleeping bag. her hair was kind of dirty, and the fact that she had been sleeping for the last three days showed.
I smiled. "Welcome back."
She looked at me, her eyes drifting between yellow gold and orange gold, as if they could not decide what color to decide on. She was going to ask what had happened.
I waved my hand imaptiently, realizing that I was miming the shadowman from my dream almost exactly.
"I'll tell you everything in a second. For now, come have a granola or something until Finder gets back with dinner!"
I found her a granola and related most of the events that had happened after the cave. She didn't interrupt, she just sat and ate her granola, her eyes glazing over from time to time. It was almost distracting, when her eyes glazed over, it was like a ripple of water spread over them.
I didn't tell her about the visions I had of her, and I didn't exactly explain about my dreams, either.
I looked into her burning eyes.
That's about all that has happened, I finished.
She almost dropped her granola. for some reason, my eyes followed the path it would have taken. It bounced once, twice, and then fell into the firepit.
"You can talk in my head!" Peices of granola shot out of her mouth. She seemed intrigued and frightened all at the same time.
I wondered if she was afraid I could touch everything she thought.
"I can't feel everything, just thoughts specifically aimed at me and really absented minded musings so far. It clears and clouds alot, I'm still learning how to use it."
She didn't exactly seemed reassured. "How did you know that that upset me just then, unless you were reading my mind!"
I felt guilty. "If it wasn't for the fact that your face got all tight, it would have been the fact that you almost dropped your granola. I could see it hit the ground..."
She looked down, and her eyes seemed to glow brighter for a second. She was looking at the spot where I had seen the granola, covered in ashes.
She jerked her head up, and gave me an inquiring look.
"You can see things now, too?"
I watched her eyes shift, fascinated. I wondered if she could mesmerize someone with them.
"Not exactly. Only strong possibilities, I think. things that could have happened. However I work, I seem to be associated with time pretty strongly. I'm pretty sure I can move through it, to a certain extent."
She looked at me for almost ten seconds, like she was weighing me. Her eyes were glowing a light blue color, and I wondered how many shifts they could make. It felt somehow familiar. Then her eyes returned to their yellow orange glow, and she looked down.
"Okay," she said. "I guess I can deal with that, but, I've never thougth about having to watch my thoughts before and edit them for content."
I ran a hand through the back of my hair. "I can't control it, and It seems focused, like 'It' knows what to pick up on and what not to look at. So far, I haven't picked up any thoughts from Finder that were really private, and I know he has them."
She looked at me again, taking the last of the granola and finishing it off. She chewed thoughtfully, as if accepting my words, and then swallowed. "When that creature flashed me-"
She shuddered. "I was stuck in my childhood somehow. I was reliving a single part of it, but I couldn't do anything. It happened, exactly as it had, but as I lived it I couldn't wake up."
She stopped. "That aside, I think I can replicate what that creature was doing on a smaller scale."
I raised an eyebrow. It seemed appropriate, Finder wasn't here to raise his.
She tucked a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her face behind her ear absentmindedly. I tried not to notice as much as I had. somewhere inside me, a mouse stirred. I stomped violently at it, but it ran into a fold, scratching angrily.
"See, any light that I have seen I can somehow replicate and send back out. Flashlights, laser sights, weak daylight... and now maybe a weak version of the creature's light. It wouldn't do whatever it did to me, it would stun a couple of targets for anywhere from 15 seconds to 5 minutes. I think."
I thought about the angry scrabblings that had been in my head while I was in the cave. Even the clamorings in my head seemed scared.
You thought of all of that just now? I asked.
She sucked in a breath of air. "It's going to take me a while to get used to that, I guess. No, I didn't. after the first two nights I had plenty of time to think, I just couldn't move or wake up. I knew where I was, and I knew who was around, but I was paralyzed in sleep."
She looked past me, and I could feel Finder walking in.
"What's for dinner?" we asked.
Finder looked at the two of us. He raised an eyebrow. "Wild pig," he said.

Finder had the lighter in his hand and was starting the fire. Ser was watching intently, and when he absentmindedly tucked the lighter away I could tell she was trying to see where it had gone. I wondered if she had had any success.
The fire started to grow, flamelets eagerly jumping over the sides and trying to escape. I remembered the flame crystal in my pocket, and pulled it out. I handed it to Saryn. "This is for you, you'll need it for something," I said.
She gingerly turned it over, fascinated. I could see her eyes match the dancing light trapped in the crystal, almost a heatless flame.
"Where did you get this?" She asked. "I've never seen anything like it!"
I shrugged. "Out of a dream," I said.
She looked at me. "You can take things out of dreams? What else have you up your sleeve?"
"The other night he made me smell cinnamon rolls," Finder grumbled. "I haven't had a good cinnamon roll in weeks."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't know how I do it! I just do! It bothers me more than it does you."
"I'm not so sure abou-"
I cut Saryn off with a look, and I sent her a brief feeling that I was sure and that I knew. She looked startled.
Finder was cutting the chunks of pig into slices that would look good cooked. The thought of eating raw meat made me shudder. "I think he's right, Saryn. Spiech can't control it, and If I had some weird power I couldn't control, it'd sure as hell bother me more."
Saryn glared at Finder. "maybe so, but the fact that Spiech can do some of the things he does scares me."
Finder shrugged. "It shouldn't. It doesn't bother me at all. Maybe it's the fact that things completely out of my control don't bother me, or maybe it's the fact that the unknown doesn't scare me. Whatever it is, he'll find his answers. Probably more easily if we aren't scared by it all."
Saryn looked like she wanted to say something, but she didn't. I knew she was scared because she couldn't control it, control me. She had never had much control.
I wanted to reach out and comfort her, and words came to mind. I knew that they'd only scare her away more. I just looked into the fire, watching it's writhing patterns take on different stories. I knew that the shadowman would come again tonight.
Saryn was staring into the crystal. She said, "You take things too lightly, Finder." Beneath the words, wrapped around them so tightly I could barely feel them, was I envy you WHY can't I be more laid back about all this!!!
I thought about what the shadowman had said: What you say only serves to cloud meaning. I knew that he was right.
Finder shrugged it off. "Maybe so, but if that's the way you react, then you're like every other normal human out there. Think about how they react to you, your eyes. I know it can't be normal. you're the only glowy eyed person I've ever seen, and I've seen some crazy creatures."
Saryn thought for a while. "Maybe you're right," but I don't like admiting it! she said/thought.
I wondered why I hadn't picked up any undertones from Finder. Maybe he was more honest with himself.
Finder cleared his throat. "So, what went on in your head while you were asleep?"
Ser went through her story again, relating the part about the creature at the end.
Finder sat thoughtfully. "That'll be useful," he said. He turned one of the sides of ham over, the juices running into the fire and hissing. The scratching in my head was drooling. I grinned at the image of what I thought of as a "mouse" in my head, drooling over meat. The scratching ran back and forth, seemingly pleased at my image. I wondered if I was going crazy.
Finder pulled one of the peices off the makeshift grill he had made. He cut into it to see if it was done, and then set it on a plate and put it in front of Saryn. She bit into it hungrily. I could feel her wince, it was hot. I decided I wouldn't be so eager when I got my peice.
"The last thing I wish I could figure out," Finder said, putting a peice of the pork on my plate, "is where we are."
I waited for the pig on my plate to cool. I sent thanks to the pig for offering us it's body, wondering if it even cared.
Saryn slurped up the last of her pig, and held her plate out towards Finder for more. "Oh yeah," Saryn said. "It almost slipped my mind- I know where we are."

people find this offensive. I find it amusing. Maybe it'll give you people insight onto who I am. maybe not. Sometimes I'm depressed... but I'm always sarcastic.

actually, the lighter picture i have up and my lighter are different. this isn't a black ice lighter. hmm. well...

I got the lighter I ordered. It's called black ice as I mentioned, but, it's not what I thought it would be. I thought it was going to be BLACK and shiny (so the picture and description implied) it is actually really darkish gray/black, and HIGHLY reflective metallic. It looks like it's made out of hematite- exactly. so if you've ever seen hematite, that's what this lighter looks like.
I'm not complaining, it looks cool. I like it.

and to top it off, James showed me a lighter trick where you flick your fingers, and it pops open! cool. welll... I think I am probably going to write some more on my story here in a bit.

I wish luck to all of my friends who are going to the Putnam debate tournament. good luck all. Brandon, keep whoopin' MASSIVE ass, and Sarah, you take those CX'ers OUT! Erin, good luck in LD, I think that's what you're doing...

I'm thinking about what will happen next in the story. sorry, haven't had a chance to write it all out yet. give me until tommorow morning.

Allright. Me and my roommate just had an intresting conversation. He asked me if I thought he didn't share.
I thought for a second. I replied that I thought he did share, but had a strong idea of what was his.
he said, No, that's not what I mean. I mean, do I talk about my life experiences much?
I laughed a little. This is really true of Wes, he keeps to himself. he doesn't share his "shit" with others, and he relys mostly upon himself.

I think that this bothers some people because they can't explain the way he behaves, and they want to be able to.

I just have to laugh. only this would happen to wes.

WHOA! whoa, whoa! Is it my imagination, or did I just get invited to like... a couple things at once???? I have nothing planned, Sarah, so yes to whatever/all. also, I'd LIKE to be able to "help" you with your webpage... not that I'm really all that good at helping or anything. shriek/squeal/laugh
Allright. that's pretty much all.

You think it's cool I'm writing... but who all has read it all? I know, I know, if you're not checking my webpage alot, you're not finding all the peices... just scroll down a little ways and look for what is now labeled CHAPTER 1, and start from there. if you're not intrested.... allright then. If you have something to say, like, "I liked this, but..." or "there's an error here" (I know there are still errors, I seem to remember seeing two caps in a row and a couple misspelled words. if you point them out under the "chapter," I'll catch them) FEEL free to use my new "shout outs!"
Shout Out is cool- and best of all it's easy- if you want it on your page just click on the "find out more" button when a shout out pops up.

THANKS to Brenda for telling me "click that button," because I am too much of a jackass to figure it out on my own!

What an Errant Conflict

hey folks.
got some comment boxes up, so if you click on the shout out at the bottom (maybe I'll change it later) you can post on there. yay!

CHAPTER (currently) 5

There was a sound from outside. I opened my eyes and started to move out of my sleeping bag. It was completely silent, even the sound of the fire was gone. I looked down at Saryn and Finder. They were completely still. The light bleeding from Saryn's eyes seemed frozen, like a dirty cobweb clinging in the air that no one had bothered to clear out. I ran my hands through it, and it shattered. I could feel the echo move through me, through the night.
I knew I was dreaming.
I was drawn outward, towards the source of whatever had awoken me.
There was a man outside, standing next to the fire. The fire was still, giving off an orange glow. not as if stopped, more like it had been frozen. The man was wrapped in shadows. I couldn't see his face, his hands, his body, but I knew he was a man.
"Who are you?" I asked. The night trembled at my sudden voice.
No need to use words, The man said. What you say only serves to cloud meaning.
Allright. I have never talked this way, I'll have to get used to it.
I got the distinct impresion that he was scoffing at me. He seemed to throw part of the shadows behind him, as if a cloak had fallen in front of him. But they didn't really move. They were dancing, whispering.
You should. it will be more useful than you could know in the conflict to come.
I reached a hand towards the fire. It was cold. I broke a peice off and held it. Where am I? I asked.
There is no here where you are. There isn't even a time. You're in a "slippery" spot. The closest I could come to "here" is stopped. You are stopped.
I didn't have a repy. I was trying to grasp the idea he was presenting to me.
He waved his hand impatiently. Every time you have one of your visions, and you seem to go somewhere else, you ARE somewhere else. Time has no meaning to you, place, also, has little meaning to you.
I put the peice of the fire in my pocket. I wondered if it would be useful.
The shadow man seemed amused.
Wait, I asked. You mean when I had the vision of the little girl- he interrupted me. Yes, those were actually real. Saryn will doubtfully remember, but if you ask Finder and Saryn, they will say that from the start you have been Spiech.
I moved an arm through the air, it offered a little bit of resistance, like it didn't want to move. Then why don't I remember being named earlier, too?
Shadowman snorted. Because the current "you" experienced the "slip," not a younger one. but the younger Saryn really had that experience.
I thought for a moment. But that would seem to imply some sort of paradox. If I didn't know my name until now, how will I have allready told them? and why haven't they called me by it yet?
He looked at me. Just looked at me. I could feel the shadows laughing. It seems to imply a paradox. I don't think there is any way I could explain it without there being some form of paradox. Did you consider that maybe you had known, but couldn't remember? or that maybe that they just knew? Time has little relavance to you, in some ways. Everyone around you, however, has to follow the rules. They live their normal lives, experiencing events as they have happened. You don't. Also, you don't have all the answers, and you never will.
I thought about the fact that I couldn't remember my childhood. I wondered if I had "lived" it yet. The shadow just nodded.
I started, the realization of what he was saying about time hitting me.
No, he said. You can't alter time. there is no change- there just is. everything that happens has already, and everything that will happen is past. You just live it differently. Unfortunately, you can't control it, and probably never will be able to.
I looked away from the shadows, knowing that they were somehow mine. Why?
I could tell he was looking at me, weighing me, trying to see something.
Because the cost is too high, he said.
WHo are you? I asked.
He looked at me. the shadows crawled around him, some living nightmare. I wasn't afraid. You already know, he said.

I woke with a start. There was a sudden poof from my pocket as the frozen flame died suddenly. The sound woke Finder up. "What was that?" he whispered.
I reached my hand in my pocket. I could feel something there. I pulled it out. It was a crystal about the size of a double A battery. It glowed and danced as fire did.
Finder jerked upright. His hand was next to mine, and he had it palm open. I wondered how he moved so fast. "Wait," he said. "I don't need that." He pointed at Saryn. "She does."
I looked down at the sleeping girl. "Do you know why?"
He shrugged. "I never know until the time is right," he said. "Maybe she'll know."
I looked directly at Finder, his eyes met mine.
Maybe she will, I stated.
Mentally he jerked back. He didn't move. Then he seemed to relax. "Can you control that?" He asked.
A little bit, I'm working on it. I got out.
Finder looked at me. He wanted to ask where I got the crystal. I held up my hand to stall him. He looked at me. You knew what I was going to ask, He thought.
I nodded. He grinned. I felt tired.
"I got it from a dream," I said.
He raised an eyebrow, and looked at me sideways. He had a lighter and a cigarette in his hand, and he was starting to get up. "Knowing you, anything's possible. I think I'd believe it if you said you had a conversation with my great-great-grandfather."
I jerked. He raised the other eyebrow. He wanted to whistle, but forced himself to stop. I winced at the thing that never was but should have been.
He turned his head towards the tent door, and then back to me. Back to the tent door again.
"i'm going out for awhile," he said.
I just nodded. beside me, Saryn rolled over, snuggling deeper into her bag. For once, I couldn't feel the scratching in my head at all.

I went to The alteration shop and gave them my glove. by friday morning, it will be done and I will have the coolest pair of gloves ever! I also put in the order for the smooth roll pan. It's gonna be so cool, I'm going to get it by the 12th, hopefully. I also hope the lighter comes in, I plan on going to the mall tommorow to find out.
Anyway... I also need to hink about how to get from where my story is now to where I want it to be. I have some ideas, ideas I think are great, but we'll have to see how I can develop all the characters and kind of tell their stories. Of course, the main character, now named Speich, will have alot to do with it. In the next chapter, his current powers will be thrown a strange curve... but not TOO strange, i hope. well, if you like it come back. it'll be up in the next couple of days.

CHAPTER (currently) 4

Finder was allready awake. My eyes opened, and total awarness of my surroundings dropped into my body like a stone into a pond. It wasn't a pleasant sensation. I groaned, and rolled over, away from Saryn. She was almost snoring, and I could feel the orange light wafting from her eyes. I remembered my father baking cinnamon rolls, and their sweet aroma seemed to drift around me. I stretched, and got up into the cold morning air.

"Sleep well?" Finder asked.
I grinned. "Actually, I did. No nightmares I can remember, no waking up with premonitions of death, just good sleep."
Finder got up from where he was cooking and started to come towards me. He stopped. He wanted to ask why I had let the fire burn all night. He didn't.
Finder looked at me, and raised an eyebrow. "IS it my imagination, or can I smell cinnamon rolls?"
I was about to put a kettle of water for some coffee over the fire, but I stopped.
"Sorry," I said calmly. "That was me again." I felt anything but calm inside. Somewhere the mouse in my head started scratching again.
Finder threw up his hands in a what-can-you-do expression. "Even smells? what will it be next, sound effects?"
I thought of the shattered shrug from the night before. "Yeah, probably. I've started to expect anything. I have no idea what is going on."
Finder plopped down in a plastic camp chair with "Low prices, always." scrawled across the back of it. He pulled another one out of his backpack, and handed it to me. I unfolded it and sat down. Beside me, Finder was silent in his own thoughts. he was planning out our next move, examining some mental map that made no sense to me. I got some of the oatmeal out of the pot hanging above the fire, and I waited for the coffee.

Finder put the tent, 3 sleeping bags, and both the pots back in his bag. I looked at him, and he grinned. I was glad that things could amuse him so easily. He did his cigarette trick again. "For someone who can see so much, you sure are curious of one little backpack."
"How much can you carry in that thing?"
HE grimaced. "It's governed by weight. As long as I can carry it, I'm fine. don't ask me how it works, I don't know. A shaman gave it to me, a long time ago."
I picked up Saryn. she was still sleeping normally. Well, as normally as one could sleep for not being awakened at being thrown over my shoulder.

We had been walking some distance, I just let one foot fall before the other in the wake stirred up by a seemingly never tired Finder. I stumbled towards a tree, throwing my right hand out to catch myself on its bark as old as the forest, It remembered times before the rocks tore themselves from the ground, before the people had come and built their cities Finder grabbed me, holding me steady. I was breathing hard.
"You okay?" Finder asked.
"I'll be fine, the forest was moving, that's all."
Finder let go. I stood on my own, breathing, letting the forest support me. I could almost feel the trees adding their support to my own.
"We're about 20 miles from a city," he said. "I don't know which one, I don't even exactly know where we are. But we're close. it'll be another day, with the time we are making. I'm surprised you walked for as long as you did."
I could feel the failing light almost accelerate around me, the constant gray of the sky getting darker.
We'll set up camp here, Finder said. "unless you can think of a better place."
I couldn't. I shook my head, setting Saryn down. I remembered my vision, the fire swirling around me. Her hair looked more orange, but I couldn't tell. I knew that the girl in the vision and the woman I was looking at where the same. "It was an accident!" she cried. I pulled her gently to her feet, not letting go of her arm. "I know, it wasn't your fault," I said, trying again for that calming effect. The girl stopped. "Where are you taking me?" she asked. She sounded a little afraid.
I stopped, as well. "Where would you like to go?"
She looked up at me. "Anywhere but here!" The words jerked out, forcefully, like little dogs pulling at their leashes.
"Allright. I think I know somewhere where you will be safe," I said. I started walking.
"What's your name? My name is Saryn, but you can call me Ser!" she started to skip, her hand in mine forgotten.
"I- I don't remember," I said. "I don't know if I ever had one."
"That's sad. everyone should have a name! I'll give you one."
She skipped for awhile longer, and then stopped. she looked up at me, her yellow orange eyes burning away into the night. "I'll call you Spiech, after all of the shadows dancing around you." she said.
I stopped. "You can see shadows dancing around me?" I asked.
She looked at me seriously. "Yes," she said. "I can see lots of things."


Finder was holding onto my shoulder. I could see him in a big house as a child, his father pulling into the driveway in a big truck, stepping out drunk. His mom hustled the children out the back door. Finder's dad started to yell.
I pushed his hand away. He looked disgruntled. "You kinda froze there for a second, that's all." He felt rejected; he was only trying to help.
I sighed. "Finder, when you touched me, I could see your childhood. It's pretty disconcerting to be caught up in memories you never lived."
He wanted to ask what I'd seen. He didn't want to know.
"My name is Spiech," I mused.
Finder said nothing, he started the fire as I set up the tent. Beside me Saryn slept softly.

CHAPTER (currently) 3

I jerked awake suddenly. I couldn't remember what it was that had been so startling that I had actually jerked awake, but it was at the back of my mind somewhere, scrabbling around, like a mouse that should have been caught by a mousetrap, but wasn't.
Outside Finder was walking around the camp fire, keeping it going. In the sleeping bag next to me, Ser twitched. her eyes still glowed that faint-white glow, unblinking, unmoving. I reached out a hand, wondering if I could somehow ease her pain. lately I had been doing strange things. I touched her arm-
Fire flashes in the night, an inferno of a burning town, a little girl with fiery red hair and eyes glowing the color of fire cries in the middle of the destruction.
I jerked my hand back. I felt as if I was burning, and I shivered. Determination rose within me, and I reached out again, and touched her warm arm. a whisp of her blonde hair fell across my hand.
The little girl was sobbing uncontrollably, rocking back and forth. The timbers of a nearby building collapsed, sending a coulmn of sparks careening into the cold night air. I walked up to the girl. "What's wrong?" I asked.
She looked up at me. "I did this," she said. "I did this!"
I knelt down beside her, reached out and touched her arm. a whisp of her fiery hair fell across my hand. The image was too much, too real, and her hair seemed to quiver between fiery and blonde.
"What happened?" my voice was gentle, soothing. The sound I remembered when my mother had comforted me as a child. Her hand reached out blindly and grasped mine. "It was an accident!" she cried.
I slipped out of the image, slowly letting the focus of the room come back into view. The fire outside of the tent cast its wicked shadows onto the inside walls, and they danced eagerly, talking to one another of the horrors they had seen. I looked down at Saryn. her eyes seemed to have lost some of the white glow, and looked more orange then before. she twitched once, more peacfully than before.

I stepped out into the cool night air. It flowed around me, the smells of smoke and pollen mixing together. "Something is coming," I said.
Finder jumped. Then he turned slowly. "I don't know how you do that. Never has anyone been able to sneak up on me, like they were my own shadow."
He glared at me, his eyes twinkling merrily in his face. I could almost hear his voice, laughing in a spring field as a child.
I shivered. the comparison to the shadow reminded me of my thoughts, right outside of my reach.
"Friend or foe?" Finder asked.
I looked for a moment, and then turned my brown gold-flecked eyes towards him. "Neither, I think. but it heralds greater danger to come."
Finder looked into the night sky. Through the gentle smoke, all of the stars could be seen. They were cold, and lent no warmth, no help.
I looked at the fire. It formed into the image of a little girl in front of me, dancing and playing. Her red/blonde hair bounced merrily on her shoulders as she ran after something. I could almost see the thing she was chasing.
"Did you see that??" Finder's voice was hoarse. "I've never seen a fire do that before!"
I turned away. I didn't know what was going on.
"Did you do that? What the hell is going on? when we first got into this, all you had were general ideas of what looked bad and what looked good. lately... both of you guys are scaring me! I didn't even know Saryn couuld do that with her eyes, and now you..." he trailed off.
What is happening to me??
"You mean you don't know?"
I could feel Finder's hand swooping down on my right shoulder. I couldn't let him touch me. I spun around, stepping aside, letting his hand fall through the air. He looked startled.
I took a deep breath. "Look, I don't know what is happening! It used to be only feelings, but now.. I felt that creature in the cave! It was clawing in my mind! and just now, I didn't say anything! and the fire, I," I stopped in mid sentence.
Finder raised an eyebrow, and pulled out a cigarette. The lighter appeared from nowhere, and just like that was gone. He exhaled a fine column of smoke into the air.
I knew he was going to speak. He had a long speach planned out.
Finder sighed. "I was going to say something long winded, but, it doesn't matter. I just hope we all figure out what is happening to us."
I could see myself shrug, so I stopped. the shrug that should have happened echoed out into the night, shattering like some unfullfilled desire. Finder jumped.
"Saryn should be sleeping better. I checked on her, and her eyes and breathing were more normal."
Finder grinned. "that's good to hear."
I felt something liquid behind my eyes. "Our visitor is here," I said. "Don't worry, it isn't a threat."
Right outside the field of light cast by the campfire, I could feel a predator walking around, examining us, snuffling to itself softly. Don't be afraid, you can have some of our rabbit stew, I thought at it, knowing that this was the way.
A Taramote moved slowly into view. Finder had a pistol in his hand. I swear I hadn't seen him move.
"Stop." I said. Finder didn't move.
"You know what that is, don't you?" he said.
"Yeah, vaguely. I have only seen pictures, but it's supposed to be the herald for the end of the world. I thought they were bigger."
Finder snorted. "If you say it's allright, I guess I will believe it. They don't have to be any bigger. I've never seen one myself, except in the Smithsonian. and it was a fossilized skeleton."
Finder turned around, and the pistol was gone. He walked back towards the fire, his back towards the creature. it walked closer. It was completely unafraid.
It resembled a large coyote, except that it had 6 legs and a brownish-tan armored carapace. It had nothing but pupils in it's eyes, and those were flecked with the white of starlight, as if it were not from here. It looked strong.
I looked at Finder, he shrugged. "It's your pet." answering my unspoken question, he continued, "There's some more stew in the pot. help yourself. I'm going to go to sleep."
He moved toards the tent, and then stopped.
"Why I trust you is beyond me," he said. he unzipped the tent slowly and went inside. I turned towards the beast. It looked up at me, hopeful for a meal that did not require violence. It was tired. I knew that as the time drew closer, It would get less friendly and more vicious, until it would finally attack anything in sight that resembled a person. But for now, it was almost as friendly as a domestic dog.
The fire danced in front of me, and the secret gnawed itself a hole in my head where it could hide. I put some stew on a pot lid and the Taramote plopped down, it's shaggy paws only a foot from my feet. I stared into the fire, willing anything to jump from the flames. Nothing did. Mice skurried through my skull, trying to rearrange my insides. I couldn't do anything. I turned back towards the taramote, but it was gone, moving back thorugh the trees towards it's next meal.
I turned back towards the tent, and again the images of the shadows played through my head. One of us is growing inside you, they seemed to say. I could hear them laughing, could feel something gnawing at my brains. I wonderd what it was trying to do. I didn't even grab my head.
I stepped into the tent, looking down at my warm sleeping bag. Saryn rolled over, seemingly in normal sleep. Finder was deathly still on the other side. images of vehicles moved through his mind. I settled down into my bag. Orange yellow light seemed to drift like colored smoke up from Saryn's eyes, and I reached my hand out, trying to touch it. It moved around my hand, avoiding my touch. I settled down to sleep.
Even the mice inside my head seemed to still their rummaging, as if even they were tired. The wind whispered outside, and I closed my eyes.

I wish I could fall into my dreams forever. then I wouldn't have to worry about "the hundred likes of so-and-so" or the"commitmentless" life of "Judy."

I hate myself and I want to die.

man I hate depressed people, africans, whites, asians, indians, dingos, and of course the occasional armadillo

ARG! what is wrong with OUnet and/or blogger! I keep getting error "500's!" I hope this is posting!!!

>:|

God. I realized that I tend to be attracted to people that fall into a certain, strongly defined category. They're short, generally dark-haired, but not always, not super skinny (generally), generally demanding, rebellious (but not that rebelious, hell, i can't explain it), possesive, ornery, smart and quick of wit. Why??? arg, this is ridiculous. how well does this type of person fit me?? It means that, simply, we will always fight. over the most ridiculous things.
There's only ever been one person who broke this "format." one. that's all. and the only things they didn't fit were height and demanding/ownership.... DAMN!! I am so FUCKING screwed.

[note- that originally just said screwed, but the author decided he really WAS fucking screwed, and changed it.]

oh man. OU net is down... again. I hate this.

Filled out my form to leave OU. I feel kind of empty inside. I'll miss this place, even if it isn't for me.

I can't comment on Sarah K's journal. this pisses me off a little. I added a link, though!

CONTINUED FROM DREAM (now a story) [note- the two secondary characters now have names- Saryn or Ser, and Finder. the main character is yet unnamed.]

CHAPTER (currently) 2
There was something on the ceiling.
It resembled a huge pyramid shaped shell, made out of bits of rock and bone, with a five-foot projection sticking out of the point, which was towards us. The projection had a huge gray-white eye on the end with a tiny, round pupil. It looked a little like a snake or a caterpillar, and it reminded me of the caterpillars that make "shells" out of bits of reed and leaves. It's shell was the same sandy color of the rocks, and it was almost the size of a 3/4 ton-pickup. Some of the bones looked fossilized.
I don't think we would have noticed it- except its eye was the source of all the extra light.
I grabbed my head- the giggling felt like it was scraping out the insides of my skull.

Suddenly I was afraid.
It blinked, and the light cut for a fraction of a second. and words forced themselves from my mouth.
"When I say close your eyes, do it, right then."
Saryn had apparently cut her eye-trick out, because the light of the ghastly sunset was completely gone. Her eyes had returned to their "normal" golden-yellow glow, and I almost couldn't see their glow in the white-yellow filled room.
The finder looked at me, but didn't ask the question forming in his mind.
"Thats how it kills, it emits a huge burst of light that overloads the optic nerve and puts you into a comatose state," I explained quietly. I just knew.
The thing blinked at me, as if trying to comprehend my words.
You can't understand me, I thought at it. It jerked back, as if slapped, and its eye widened. Had it heard me? I had never been able to cast before, only hear things in my own head.
A shrieked seemed to fill the room, but I knew the other two couldn't hear it. My face twitched.
"Close your eyes!" I said forcefully. A blast of light so strong that I could almost see through my eyelids filled the room. I could feel my flesh sear, and I thought I hear Ser moan off to my right. The blast of light died off, but it left sunspots on my eyelids.
"It's right above you, Finder," I said. I could hear him rummaging through his backpack. I hoped he had something useful.
The creature made an audible click, and the noise filling my head became a dull roar.
"Close!" I shouted.
Another blast of light filled the room, impatient, demanding. I couldn't hear over the noise in my own head.
"Whatever you are going to do, make sure you aren't under it!" I yelled, knowing Finder could have heard me had I whispered.
"There isn't a need to shout," Finder said calmly. "I can hear you just fine."
"But I can't," I muttered.
I could feel it building, like some unstoppable force. Yield, Yield! it demanded of me, slamming against my barriers in a language anyone could understand.
"Again!" I made sure not to say it as loudly this time.
I was looking at Finder as the light went off. through my eyelids, I could see his outline, kneeling, his arm thrown up, as if pleading with some god. I could feel my skin burn. The noises in my head dissapeared abruptly. Then there was a loud crash.
I opened my eyes, but I couldn't see very well. The image of Finder with his upstretched arm obscured a good part of my vision. Finder turned his head towards me, and I knew that he was wearing some dark goggles.
"It's allright," Finder said softly.
"What did you do?" I asked, as the information of what he had done filled me.
"I used a mirror that amplifies light," he said. "It seemed like a good idea."
I sighed. "Did the goggles help? I can't see very well."
He didn't reply for a moment. I got the image of a man stirring his coffee slowly. "I only got minor sunspots. I can't even imagine how it is for Saryn."

On the floor next to us, Ser twitched once, twice. I crawled towards her, concern chasing determination through what was left of my scraped out head. I turned her over, and all I could see was the yellow-white glow of the creature, drooling out of her eyes. The image of Finder was momentarily banished. She was hardly breathing.
"It's time to go," I said, looking at the still form of the shell behind me. "It isn't dead, in fact, I don't think we can kill it."
Finder looked at me. I picked up Saryn, and started to crawl out of the hole I couldn't see but knew was there. behind me I could hear Finder moving towards the fallen creature. I turned my head towards him. He had a chunk of the creature's shell in his hand. It looked like a dagger of bone, and I wondered how it had broken off armor that looked like it could stop an arrow easily.
"Seems like a good idea, he said, putting it in his bag.
"That's why they call you the Finder," I said, turning back around.
I could feel him smile. His kneeling outline still filled my vision in the pitch black.
I broke out into the cool night air, the toxic sunset surrounding me. I didn't care. The forest seemed to lend me some strength.
We walked aways, Ser twitching gently on my shoulder every once in awhile. I looked around. the constant sunset seemed to be fading, being replaced with a purplish sky of night. "Let's camp here," I said. "It should be safe."
I started digging through Finder's seeming bottomless sack, and pulled out a tent I knew was too big to fit into it. I started to set it up, as Finder built a fire. I handed him the sack, and he pulled out a square lighter, a large pot, and two cans of soup. I didn't even ask where he had gotten the lighter, I hadn't seen any technology in months. He flicked it open, and the flame whispered things to me softly as he started the fire. The image of Finder burned onto my eyelids was starting to fade.
I turned, lost in my own thoughts. behind me Finder stirred some soup. The aroma of chicken broth floated towards me. "What are we having? I asked.
"Well, we're having rabbit stew," he said. I could feel him hold up a sack of stew ingredients he had. "but I'm cooking chicken noodle for her."
I laughed.
"You know what my momma always used to say about chicken noodle," Finder continued." "It's good for the soul."
That's why they call you the finder, I thought.
"Yep."
This time I wasn't startled, I didn't even look back.
Staring into the forest, I could feel the peace, however temporary, as Finder stirred gently away behind me.


To be continued, of course.

Another year of Youth Force starts.


I love YF, I always have. this year I'm on the design team, and I hope that I can help make it enjoyable and safe. I was supposed to be on the design team last year... but, due to unforseen events, I was not...
Anyway... a little about youth force, perhaps. Youth force is a methodist summer camp where a wholw bunch of churches congregate to help rebuild the homes of people who can not afford to rebuild their homes on their own. It's not a super christina camp where you have three church services a day and have to wear slacks and then SLACK off for the rest of the time, It's a hard working experience. No one who is a proven pansy should come- you have to work.

I don't consider myself a very strong christian, I have never had a good relationship with christ, and lately my beliefs have been that yes, there is a god, but it isn't the one written about in any holy book. It's more like a guiding force.
The only place i've ever really felt god strongly, at all, was YF. for some reason, I feel so fullfilled when I tear out a lopsided and failing ceiling and put a new one in, feel so fullfilled when the homeowner who couldn't have afforded our ameteur but good work, much less that of a construction company, smiles and thanks us for helping out.
Youth Force is based in OKC. so if you live in or around oklahoma and are intrested in helping out, you should check it out.

I had a weird dream last night. someone had been kidnapped and with the help of two terminators (yes, one was shwarzennegger, and the other was some blond girl) we went off to find her. alongthe way, I met ryan working at walmart, but for some reason he had a done a load of my laundry (which I need to do) and told me I could have some. Of course, I had some clothes that fit the terminators (don't ask me how) and we set off. The terminators got lost somewhere and I picked up a guy about my age and a girl about my age (thus is the nature of dreams). for some reason, we were more uniquely fit for this episode. We found the journal of some guy that was about as old as the pyramids, and it talked of a powerful plot to take over the world. Well, we were looking for the cave that held something that could stop this plot (the kidnappee was of course the many-times-daughter of the person who's blood was needed, or something..) But we found the wrong cave.

We found the cave where one of the... plotters(?) had resided. Upon opening the door....

Allright, just to clarify, The dream above now has nothing to do with the story below. NONE. none none none.

CHAPTER (currently) 1
It was raining outside, but it wasn't cold. Walking around the bleak face of orange rock that looked way out of place among the oak trees we were shielded from the fierce wind I could hear howling some ways off. What if it isn't the wind? I thought to myself. I shivered.
I turned, and the girl was looking at me. She looked resolved and scared, and not unnatractive. I smiled at her, hopefully reassuring, and she seemed to relax a little bit. The man was running his hands along the cliff's walls, and then he stopped. I could see what he had stopped over, from where I stood, It looked as if a great jagged hole had been cut out of the cliff and then refilled. "I can feel air here," he said. I walked up to the cliff face, letting my hand creep across the sharpness of the rocks. I could feel the air, like a blast of sticky death, shooting out into the decayed sunset that filled the sky.
I found a recess, a gap in the wall, and I could feel something in the recess. something like very large pinhole. I turned to the man.
"I think this is where you come in," I said.
He let his hands wander along the recess, and his body seemed to convulse slightly as his hands touched the pinhole. He took his backpack out, and removed a 3 foot peice of twisted metal, with a slight hook on the end. It was covered in heiroglyphics. I didn't ask him where he got it, as I did not ask why the girls' eyes glowed in the dark. They didn't ask me about my premonitions, either.
The man looked at me, asking an unspoken query.
"There's something in there," I said quietly. "I can't tell you what it is."
He rolled his eyes. "I could have told you that," he muttered.
I sighed. He grinned at me, as if at some funny joke. The girl just looked on, her eyes glowing a soft orange color in the dead light.
The man put the rod into the recess, and seemed to hook the pinhole. there was an audible click- a sound that seemed to tear through my mind. The girl blinked.
The wall started to tremble, and a quiet, distant howling started to come from the edges of the cut area. It started to move. I could feel a skuttling noise in my head, as if cockroaches were stirring up long forgotten dust. It made me sick.
The rumbling stopped- and the wall seemed whole. I looked at my commrades, and they looked at me. The girl looked at the wall. she said nothing.
When her eyes passed over the wall, we could see that there was a square hole, big enough for us to crawl through, along the lower edge. The girl started to crawl through the opening. I followed, the skuttle in my head growing louder. I wondered if they could hear it. We were all in the cave- and the girls eyes were glowing the soft greens and yellows of a cats. there was no light, it seemed that even the light from the sunset could not reach in here. The girl looked at me, and although all I could see where her eyes, I smiled. Her eyes crinkled, and I knew she was smiling back. Even in a dark, unknown cave, we could share a smile.
The color bleeding out of her eyes started to change, and the sunset started to flow from her. We could see in the dim light. The skittering in my skull stopped, and something started to giggle. Not a little girl's giggle, but a gravelly, dead giggle, escaping through something that had never really been alive. I shuddered. The other two looked at me.
"Something is in here, and it does not intend for us to leave." I said.
Both of them jerked at my sudden voice.
"It already knows, I said."
Suddenly the cave filled with light, as if someone had turned on a hundred watt bulb in a small room. There was something on the ceiling.

TO BE CONTINUED...