Massive and un-restrained title change was necessary

"I'm doing the best I can muster..."

and I appreciate your best, because it's better than I deserve...

No, they apparently didn't. *sigh* I really don't know. I'm pretty sure I made an ass of myself last night....to more than one person. not that it matters; I've done what I can to repair it... I hope.

They might be getting better. I don't know.

I had some more strange dreams again last night... I can't remember them right now, but I do remember them being strange...

Allright, and everything SUCKS. really.

I AM NOT MOVING BACK HOME FOR THE SUMMER. I don't care where I go, but I'm not going back, no.
I would even move to marshall. ANYWHERE but home, anywhere.

things FELL APART completely- COMPLETELY, with the person I was hoping could come here. IT SUCKS. it isn't FAIR, it isn't god damned FAIR, and it isn't anyones fault. NOT ANYONES! how god damned crappy! if we talk we get closer. so therefore, we shouldn't talk. I HATE THAT DECISION WITH ALL MY HEART- but it makes some sort of sad sense... *whimper*
things SUCK!

I give up. why do I even care what others think? they can make their own opinions, and I can't do anything to stop them. It seems that most times, people don't even want to change their opinions. No one (and this includes me, as we all have some opinions that are more or less unchangeable) is presuadable on certain issues- I just wish that those issues weren't sometimes so completely narrow minded.

"it's amazing how selfish you (or maybe it's just me and I shouldn't project my feelings onto everyone else by saying "you") can get when you're in a mood like this. Someone was raped in an NYC hospital? Meh. Chaos and death in Iraq? Eh. The whole world can melt away for just one girl."

-James

except... not quite that bad....

does anyone even read this anymore? it seems that I have been using the other a lot more. but, under the assumption that most people have started reading that, I'll go back to this one as a "private" place to write- like ANYTHING is private on the net, EVER.

Things-falling-apart seems to be the theme of my life, lately. let's start at the bottom of the list, shall we?

Allright, first off- the semester comes to an end. as THIS occurs, all of my friends are going to be moving back home to their respective towns and states- and that means that they will be at least 120 miles away from norman for the majority (if not all) of the summer- WITH the exception of James, James, and Ben. just enough to play bridge, I guess. *rolls eyes*
Amanda is going back to that crazy city of Philedelphia, Nikki's going back to Missouri, and Wes, allthough in oklahoma, is going back to tulsa.

I have to move home for the summer and live upstairs again. how crazy, and how unfun.

I don't have a job, and I DESPERATELY NEED ONE. there is absolutely nothing more I can say about this.

THERE IS NO INTERNET AT OUR HOUSE!!! HOLY SHIT, THAT ONE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF! so much for research, so much for the friends I CAN'T contact regularly, so much for ALL OF THE GOD DAMNED TIME I USED TO SPEND ON HERE TALKING TO PEOPLE AND SELF EDUCATING MYSELF! >:| I'm going to seriously fry my mom about fixing the phone line, but it's NOT going to happen.

me and James keep arguing about the dumbest things.

Then there was the dream I had the other night, by far the WORST dream I've EVER had in my life.
Good ol' me is in some sort of a huge complex, it really looks like a battered down house, except it stretches miles, corridors and rooms. For some god damned reason, aliens, the ones from ALIEN, the movie, are invading the place. I can hear both humans and aliens being killed off in the distance- and there isn't a god damned thing I can do about it. Some people have barricaded themselves behind a table (like THAT'S going to help), and are preparing for some sort of a final stand. well, I barricade some doors with the first inquisitive alien corpses and those of some humans, and then run back into the kitchenish area.
Now, if you know anything abut the aliens movies, you know that those critters are mean- they only take hostages so that they can implant a little bugger inside of you, where it gestates for a couple days, feeding on your internal organs, and then bursts from your chest in a VERY fatal spray of gore. if they DON'T capture you, you're gonna get nailed by either their HUGE arm claws, their entirely too long and spiky looking tail, or perhaps the inner, ugly and sinister looking mouth that tends to shoot out perhaps more than a foot, breaking through bone and flesh as if it were slightly staled bread?
Seven feet tall- nothing but walking death. lord knows how they see, they don't have eyes. and the skeletal, sinister, deathly spindly look. like sinew on bone, black as night, with acid for blood, to boot.
So, considering we really only have a couple of weapons on hand, nothing that can do crap to their exoskeletal armor, I take one of the handguns- and I run into a hall, so as not to subject my waiting-to-be-executed-horrendoulsy-or-infected comrades to my untimely death.
I put the gun to my head, and I pull the trigger. UNFORTUNATLEY, it simply clicks. I wince, and get a rush of both adreniline AND anxiety. I HAVE never, EVER EVER tried to take my own life- in reality, or in a dream- ever. nor even truly gone through the steps of putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger in real life. THIS was close enough.
But then, I can understand my dream self's choice. dying sucks, but what's better, quick and painless (hopefully) or being chewed apart?
SO I run back and get a clip. I put it in the gun, and pull back the slide for good measure. then I run down the hall and into a laudry room. there's a washer, dryer, and a water heater all in the room- the water heater is ticking and I can hear the steam pressure inside of it. also, the familiar hum of the pilot light on the bottom. it's very warm in here. again, I put the gun to my head- and I almost can't pull the trigger. I'm allready dead, especially as far as certain silicon based life running amok outside thinks, but I can't seem to do it. I close my eyes, and before I can lose the nerve, I squeeze the trigger as quickly and violently as I can. there's an explosion, and everything goes really, really numb. from somewhere far away I can hear the water heater tick ticking away with the hum of the pilot light...
I can barely think. everythings numb, and getting dark. I reach my hand up, and touch the side of my head. it feels strange, weird. not like the side of my head at all. If I had the ability to think it right now, I'd be shocked that I had just shot myself and failed to end my onw life. not that it matters, because I can't think straight at all. I moan, and collapse on the floor, there isn't much pain, really. my head hurts, it feels as if I have a migraine that has been placed behind a growing cement wall- the ache is dull. I can feel the heat from the water heater against my leg in stark relief, and all I can think is it's so hot, so hot, and getting dark... not that the place was well lit to begin with.
I can sorta hear screams from the others, sorta. maybe some other noises. I can't tell. then something claws at me, one of them. come to see if I'm dead, not that I should care. I moan, and weakly try to push it away, not that it matters. something hisses, and then I can weakly feel it shoot it's secondary mouth for my chest. even in death, I struggle to live. My hand is in the way, and I attempt to grab the mouth...
It chews through my right hand, and I can't roll away. then it proceeds to eat most of my chest, I can feel the emptiness and the hear the cracking ribs, allthough I can't see... and then it all starts going so dark...
And suddenly, I realize I am dreaming and am VERY awake, sitting up in my bed. I feel VERY funny, very weird. I also realize that the dream was completely terrifying, allthough I am not scared, I'm just very anxious...

and there's the dream.
onto as far as I can remember, the FINAL topic of anguish---

Something I wanted to occur very badly didn't- a certain someone who I found HIGHLY interesting was unable to move here for next year, as there were complications. and to think, I learned it after having that crappy dream... I still am not sure I totally believe it, but I'm gonna have to. it sucks, starting to feel like you have someone to confide in and then getting it torn away- but it happened, and it was no one's fault. I'm going to have to deal with it, plain and simple. I REALLLY don't want to, so shitty. I started fighting my way out of this crappy, suffocating darkness, and look what happens... Well, at least THIS time, it wasn't anyone's fault. No one to blame, so very little hard feelings.
I've seen long distance relationships go bad-- two friends from high school, and neither really worked out. ALSO, someone else I know wanted one, even though the other didn't... and refused to let go.
I knew it was foolish to begin with. I started to move into one thinking it'd be allright, I met them once and PLUS they're coming here anyway, what an oppurtunity to get to know someone. and of course, it was crushed. how... predictable. all I can do is scream at this IDIOTIC god that has such a CRAPPY sense of humor and fall for his next god damn laughable joke. or, simply hope it's NOT a joke. you stupid son of a bitch, I'm not your comedy routine, LET me go!

SO I tried to use the cat trap last night, I wrote a more detailed post in collected chaos... I seem to be using that one more often, for now.
It worked... but I didn't catch sophie because she wasn't around. It needs some work, though, I think. I'll have to modify a couple things today, and the bait I use will have to be MUCH more appealing, I think. dry catfood is all good and well, but... I think a haunch of red meat would work better. or something.
Maybe I could catch that fox... but then I have no idea what I would do with it... :)

anyway, I'm doing alot of things today. I'm going to work at margarita's again, and try to finish the neighbor's yard, too. in addition, Lora's coming over and we're havign spaghetti. sounds good to me. :) that's about all, I'm going to get a tad bit of rest, here for a while.

hmmmm... I wonder if this one is messing up, too

Heidi Klum... wow. her eyes knock me senseless, so does the rest of her.

It still hurt to see that someone else wrote "I love you Erin!" somewhere... not as much. kind of a twang, just a tiny one, but it hurt. a little. at least I'm through it all... and I can handle it rationally. yay!

you'll see more of my work and thoughts on "Collected Chaos," link on the left. it's a collective board for me and some friends. check it out, you might like it, who knows. I drew up plans for a cat trap, and I am going to go to Home Depot and Make the damn thing later today. it should work- it has little room for error.
other than that, not much is going on, really. just the usual. life.

as a few of you know, Sophie got out. she learned how to knock the screen off... well, how she did is kinda besides the point. but she did, and pushed on it the other day. she's been running around the parking lot. I wouldn't have known, but I was walking around pretty late this morning and I saw her twice. I hope she comes back.

pi!

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197 169399375105820974944592307 81640628620899 8628034825342117067982148 0865132823066470 938446095505822317253594081284811174502841 02701938521105559644622948954930

(195 digits)

talking with chris the other day, we got to talking about riots, and then I mentioned those big more than two barreled guns they use. I couldn't find a picture, but I found an interesting history on shotguns.
if you're interested, feel free to take a look.