Massive and un-restrained title change was necessary

i managed to misplace my zippo, which is slightly upsetting... I payed 20 bucks for it, after all. I htink I may have left it in nikki and amanda's room... I hope I did.

I feel like a total waste of a human, so what else is new? It's times like this when I really dislike myself.

to respond to all of your posts.
yes, you all can post again. Actually, you have brenda to thank for that, someone NONE of you know.
Erin- thanks for the poster advice. maybe I'll go down there... allthough it seems I will have plently of posters after this.
Chad- I wrote you some mail, thanks for posting!
Chelsey- try the ramen, and thanks for taking interest!
thanks for the help with my background, amanda.

It's off to borders I go! I need to finish filling out this app, and get into some good clothes, and then run off to turn in a borders application. yay! hopefully they will take me, I would love to work there. but, like everywhere else, probably they'll say sorry and have me move along. damn.

how can someone be so smart
and be so dumb at the same time?
I hate him. I fucking hate him.
Ignorant ignorant ignorant genius.
that and vegitarians, they piss me off so much. screw the entire thing- screw ethical and moral principles. the "state of society to abolish state of nature" argument works for me. the only reason we developed an ethical code is so that we don't kill one another. But I am not and WILL not feel bad for eating some hapless cow! for God's sakes!
*sigh*
the vegitarians that are so concerned with abuse have a small point, though. but, If I could raise and slaughter my own damn cows, and raise them healthy and without abuse (other than the slaughter, where I would use a CO2 powered STEEL BEAM thrower at 1,000 PSI at leasT!).
good god. people piss me off so much.
I don't think I will ever get over some things. EVER.

hey hey! thanks to amanda/renea's help and superior knowledge, i now have the black bricks behind my blog! yay! it's nice to have friends who are smarter than me at some things!

okay. so here's what's up. klikfamily evidently died, so I switched my comment hosting needs to HALOSCAN. you can comment agian.

so I got a matrix reloaded poster, too. it's metally paper holographic.


and here is the bebop poster.

the things that crack me up. *sigh*


Renea0685 (4:56:24 AM): lol
Renea0685 (4:56:42 AM): ow, ow
Renea0685 (4:56:48 AM): my back pops twice every time i sneeze
JaydFalcyn (4:57:18 AM): um... hehe?
Renea0685 (4:57:24 AM): yeah
Renea0685 (4:57:28 AM): it's amusing to most
JaydFalcyn (4:57:33 AM): I think that's slightly funny... but ouch?
Renea0685 (4:57:41 AM): it's not really painful, it is slightly, but only for a sec
Renea0685 (4:58:06 AM): i almost wish i could sneeze more often becausee a little bit afterwrds my back feels better than ever

there appears to be something wrong with my "post on my site" links, so I'd appreciate it if everyone trying to comment simply emailed me by clicking on the rose in the upper left hand corner. thanks folks...

How to take a simple packet of ramen noodles and make it KICK YOUR ASS

I'm sure most everyone has had ramen noodles before, right? well, I'm still experimenting, but this is a way to take those plain ol ramen noodles and make them kick some ass.

it's pretty simple- take a pinch of the following- chili powder, pepper powder, salt, sugar, and garlic powder. small pinches, seriously. you can experiment with which pinches you want larger than others, but, you don't want it to taste too much like garlic powder or salt... and you probably don't want it to be killer sweet, either. For that matter.... you need to be careful with the chili powder as well... so it doesn't kill you...
eh. experiment. and try it with any flavor. it's also great if you chop up some fresh green onion and throw a tiny bit in there. and if you happen to have some palm oil on hand, throw in less than a teaspoon of that, too.

I got a cowboy bebop movie poster! It's the original US movie poster in mint condition. I am glad I got it... I wanted one, and having an original movie poster sounds good to me. maybe, some day, it will be worth something. for now, it's worth around the 15 dollars I payed for it after shipping. I think I'll get it framed, but I am sure as hell going to hang it on my wall!

SOME PEOPLE ARE CRAZIER THAN ME!!
this car... wow. ridiculous! but, i thought it was cool enough to post it here.

allright, so I found this fairly cool site called The Gender Genie.
it's pretty cool, you insert an amount of text and it tells you if the author is male or female. I don't know how accurate it is, but it gave a 390F/391M score to one of my story passages. allthough it seems kinda acurrate!

Played a new game today called chess 4. it was really fun, actually. it's like your standard chess board but with 4 players, and the board is built a little differently. it has a 2 square deep recess where your peices go, and then a standard 8X8 board for the rest. that way, everyone can have their peices.... it's really fun, we played it free for all (we being me and my roommates or whatever they are and darrell) and I really enjoyed it. however, it might be more interesting if it was played as a team game. we will have to try it some time.

that's all for now.

My god. I can't believe people actually try to date over the interent. I think I want to kill myself.

[Edit to previous post]
In the post I talk about Pamela and the dumb fight, she has since told me (in the only words she's spoken to me since then) that she didn't say "get the fuck out of my room."
She instead said (according to Pamela) "well, we ain't goin' by your watch, so you just keep those legs walkin' *doing a scissoring motion with two fingers, looking like someone walking*"
Fine. I suppose it is possible she said this.... although I could have sworn I heard the other. not that it matters.... Neither (especially the way Pamela said it) was particularly polite.

I realized why I dislike some people so much. they're ignorant, all their intelligence aside. Some people just don't have common sense. or street smarts, or people skills.

I went shopping today! or rather, my mom took me shopping!
For once in my life, I have more than 1 set of shoes (good ones, discounting dress shoes) at once! I got some Etni's (or something, they have a yellow "m" on the side and they are black (so ridiculously dark blue it's black)) and a pair of converse (which are ridiculously comfortable and casual!)
I also got three new sets of jeans, 4 dress shirts (3 for job interviewing, one just to look DAMNED sexy in (it's orange silk. not ugly orange... but, beautiful!)) and a black t-shirt with a huge outline of a red star on it (the pointy kind, not a real burning ball of gas-type).
I also got one set of really nice dress shoes that i like. that's about all... I suppose.

It was fun to go shopping with her. she picked out one silverish nice looking shirt for Jef and quizzed me on whether or not he would like it. I thought he would.
Something amusing also came up- she asked me if I could pick up brandon from a debate tournament if he called really late. I said, "yeah, that might not be a good idea. We're playin poker tonight."
She said, "so does that mean you'll be drinking?" with a grin on her face.
I said, "er, well, Wes and Nikki and amanda are coming over, and I'll probably be the designated driver..."
She was really surprised I hadn't gotten really drunk yet in my life. I kind of laughed at the fact at the fact my mom found this amusing.
As it turned out, I did have to drive Wes and Nikki and Amanda. :)
I need another book. In the last 4 days, I have gone through two books, one that was 487 pages or so long and the other that was almost 700 pages long. Unfortunately, the 700 page book took me a little over 8 hours or so... and I have this terrible problem with reading. once I start a really good book, good luck getting it away from me. I guess I just wish I could escape away into those worlds, sometimes. So I was up REALLY late....
I just cleaned my room, and debating on where things should be hung. I want to go find some real movie posters online or something... but they are pretty expensive. I htink some of them would be a good investment, though.

I'll end on this thought- It's amazing how corrupt people can become with no one to watch them and tell them no.

Folks, I am not suicidal. I don't know why I feel like I have to state this, but I guess I do make a lot of suicide jokes.
*sigh* I guess this is because I've been suicidal in the past, and when you've seriously contemplated a thing, it makes it seem less scary that you once contemplated it if you joke about it.
Then again, Since I don't intend to commit suicide and have wayed the benifits/losses of such an act, maybe I can just joke about and think about suicide and not worry.
There are some things I have thought out.
1) If I commited suicide, I would definetly leave a note that was long and sad, condemning few and thanking many.
2) I would die to the song "Disposition" by Tool on repeat in the cd player. it wouldn't be loud, just loud enough to hear through a closed door. Unless of course I decided to drive my car off a cliff. which id unlikely, because there are no cliffs in oklahoma.
3) I think I would so a worry free method, something quick and relatively painless, that didn't let me linger on the fact that yes, I did in fact end my own life.

Don't take this seriously. It's more casual a post than I have ever written, I think.

I got a haircut. It didn't really shorten my hair much... but hopefully it will grow back out long and look stylish. I didn't like it at first, but I think I could. It's different... for me.
Pamela seems to be avoiding me at all cost, I am not sure what I think... I just wish this would end.

I wonder if I could start some sort of a beard. probably look too scruffy.
I wanted to write on life and things, but that can wait.
I need to think. I seem to have a lot of problems doing that lately.

but, mostly only good news here.

so someone shaving creamed my car tonight. I have to admit, it was funny.
of course pamela didn;t have anything to do with it. she was offended that I would even question whether or not she did it.
We all know that she knows who did it, maybe even had a hand in it happening. maybe SHE didn't physically do it.... but she knows.

I hate this so much. why does it have to escalate?
I seriously considered saran wrapping her car. I didn't.
She moved her car, though. I asked her if she had shaved mine and she was offended, and then she went and parked at her sorrority. she wasn't afraid of retribution from me, she said someone cut off two of her lights (most likely the lights under the car that light up blue) and stole them. she parked it there so it would be safer.

whatever. things suck.

this entire thing is ridiculous. I'm sorry forwhatever I did wrong, Pamela. can we just work this out??

*sigh*

I MAY HAVE WRITTEN SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. INSTEAD OF GETTING MAD, BE THANKFUL I DID INSTEAD OF SOMEONE ELSE.

yes. I realize people read this. I don't care. If you react badly to it, it's not my problem anymore. this is MY web journal and I can write whatever I want. yes, I also know that people will read it and that might affect their opinion on "whomever I have written about!"
Well, just consider yourself lucky I'm writing about you, instead of someone else. At least I am fair, and at least I am honest. you could have found yourself on the maddox page. and we all know that the chances are, if you're on his page, you're screwed.

so a little explaining about nikki.
Nikki is amanda's new roommate. She has pretty eyes. She's friendly, kinda quiet, and seems to be observant. She doesn't like conflict (unless she is involved) and cares about people. She gets my sarcasm. she's funny, and is sarcastic on her own.
I guess we are kind of dating. we haven;t really talked about "what we are," but I am genuinly not concerned. We did have the conversation where I said I liked her and she said she could tell and I said we should hang out and get to know each other better yada yada.
that;s more or less it.
We cuddled last night and watched "The Pelican brief" and then some really retarded tv show called "CHiPs" or something. it was from the late 70's and was fun to make fun of.

I feel really relaxed around her. I don;t feel stressed. I don;t feel uterrly concerned with whether or not she is going to be pissed at me. The fragile, innocent, "please don;t drop me" attitude is gone, and I am not worrying. it feels great.
At first I wondered how going through all this again would be. wondered if I could do it. I don't even care anymore. it's all different, and new. I can't compare any of it to what has happened before, and I can't particularly say it will even be up and running two months down the road. I am just not worrying right now. Which really is a big surprise for me. I generally worry.
That's really all to tell. it isn't much. there it is. so thus, I end my posting mania on a good note.

LIFE'S A BITCH, AND THEN YOU DIE.
A couple of weeks ago I went with adam (not my roommate adam) to barnes and noble. I don't know how it went, and frankly, I don't even care anymore. I got two good books which I have of course finished, but the hanging out with adam part was useless.
it was ridiculously casual, and we didn;t talk about anything. heck, I could have gone to barnes and noble with anyone else, and it would have been the same.
I'm done with that chapter in my life. I wonder if I should bury it all. there's enough anguish and piled dead bodies to fertilize the next say, 6 years of my life or so.
But does burying the past and moving on mean forgetting about the people too? what do I do with all the people I knew (like Jenny and Liz &c, &c.)?
Do I bury them? do I forget about them? outside of erin, they had no import to me. I guess just forget about them but say hi if I happen to run into them.
And what about Erin and Adam? Erin hasn't talked to me in a while. I wonder if she even cares? and Adam? there doesn't seem to be anything there anymore. At least I don't hate him.
It doesn't hurt anymore. that's good.

on a MUCH much better note, things with nikki are going well. I'll get to that later.

on a much better note, I found a hilarious qoute on the maddox page. here it is.

"There are too many babies. I'm not saying we should kill them, but if you happen to be giving your baby a bath and the phone rings.. well, nobody will judge you. Besides, you might get free brownies out of it at the funeral, and brownies rule.
-Maddox

WHY VEHICULAR HOMOCIDE TRULY IS THE ANSWER.


for some dammed reason, I care about other people's opinions and thoughts on me. heck, I wish I didn't, because it would make hitting people with cars so much easier.

A couple nights ago, Pamela came over and got wildly drunk with alcohol that she paid for. it was her idea. not mine, not ANYONE else's (except adam).
of course, It came to me to take care of her while she was at the apartment.
Apparently I didn't do a good enough job. even though I was always there when she needed help, even though I was there when she needed up or to go to the bathroom or when she needed a leg to crawl up so she could stand.
She was pissed the next day. upset that I couldn't have stayed at the dorms after we took her back, and helped take care of her. She was mad. I apparently was lax.
What? what the hell do I need to do to please you, Pamela? seriously? the old saying "damned if you do, damned if you don't" comes to mind.
I was driving michael's car. michael's god damned car. and he had to go home. for some reason, I didn't think that trying to get someone SO drunk they could barely walk (no, not pamela) into the BACKSEAT of my 2 door blazer seemed like a good idea.
when we got back, michael went with me to take rex home (because he had gone with me earlier when I applied for jobs, and hadn't drove himself). I had to take rex home, he had school and it was getting late. when we got back, michael went home. all within 20 minutes of having dropped pamela off.
but apparently none of this wasn't good enough.
Then, of course, on Sunday, I did something else to piss her off. the unfortunate thing is, I don;t know what it was. I did something. whether or not it was convincing amanda and nikki to stay and play games at the apartment, I have no idea. but I did something, because she sent me a message that said (around 10 pm)
"we need to have words."
tell me what that sounds like to you. doesn't sound friendly to me, I think judging voice inflection over the intermet can be hard at times, but the usage of "words" makes it sound cold and hard, unfriendly. if she had said "we need to talk" that's one thing. but "we need to have words??"


A little before she sent that message, she came over for about 5 minutes to pick up her crown royale. James asked her how Nikki and Amanda were getting home, since she had brought them over. she said she didn;t have a clue since they were ERIK'S responsibility (oh, I definetly agree. they were my responsibilty). She brought Ky, and after 5 minutes, leaves. great, she;s mad, it's obvious. maybe James pissed her off by misunderstanding. well Pamela, james wasn;t criticsizing you. he simply didn't know how they were getting home.

SO, after having recieved that message, I try to call her cell. Russ answers in a chinese vendor accent or something and says (basically) Pamela is unavailable. fine. so she wants to play games.
A couple hours later, she calls me to make sure Nikki and Amanda had gotten home okay. I say yes, they have, and then ask her why she had said we need to have words. she says "nevermind bye ~CLICK~"
so again, I attempt to call her back to see why she is OBVIOUSLY pissed at me.
she has someone ELSE answer the phone. I don;t know who. maybe katherine. hard to tell. again, I get the Pamela is not available line. and again, obvious lie. now this time I could be mind games or it could be Pamela just not wanting to talk about it.
I'm getting kind of angry, so I say, "tell Pamela she is being kinda bitchy."
I admit it, I said something mean to her, finally! after all the criticism I had endured over being a TERRIBLE caretaker for a drunk person and all the invisible tug-of-war I had played with her over dumb things like who was going where, I finally said somehting mean.
So then a bit later she logs onto aim. I say, what's going on?
And she gives me the "there's a lot upsetting me, it's not just you" (I don't want to talk about the fact that I have been more or less playing mind games with you and/or trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for the last DAY!)
so I say, why are you mad?
again the same line, followed by "I don't want to talk about it right now."
After sending me an angry message, one that seems kind of ominious to me (I don't know, would you think that a friendship might be in jeaprody over "we need to have words?"), she doesn't want to talk about it. GREAT! now she expects me to ignore the fact that she has had RUSS answer the phone talking like a little fucking chinese street vendor (definetly the kind that wants to sell you something you have NEVER heard of) and then someone ELSE answering the phone RIGHT after she hangs UP on me (why didn;t she call nikki or amanda to see if they were back? more mind games? or was it the fact that they were my responsability? I agree, they were!)!!!
she wants me to ignore all that.
the conversation more or less ends with me trying to tell her that I've always been a good friend to her and I have always tried to take care of her and I have never been truly mean to her (as in, nothing other than my dumb sarcasm and usual crap).

Well, ,apparently I didn't leave her alone, and I pushed her. so she was mad again tonight. I went over to hang out with Nikki and amanda and wes and rex, and she was with russ. She CALLS amanada to see what is going on, and then asks, "is erik over there?" when amanda says yes Pamela says "nevermind ~CLICK~"
wow. W-O-W.
so it is VERY clear she is still mad. VERY clear. so, around 11:55, according to Pamela's microwave, 12:00 according to my watch, and based on what russ said, 11:50 by his watch, I went over there and politely said, "you guys might want to shut the door or something since it is getting close to that time." that time being CURFEW at the dorms (where the guys have to leave the girls rooms and vice versa). If you don;t follow curfew, you get cited.
Russ says "well we still have 10 minutes, so we'll be okay."
I say, "well, I have 12 o'clock on my watch so I just thought I'd tell ya."
what does Pamela have to say?
"But we aren't going by your watch, so get the fuck out of my room."
Whereas internet "talk" can be hard to "read" or catch the inflection, this was NOT. it was mean. unfriendly, discouraging, "you're so beneath me you fucking scumbag" mean. So I put up my hands in a "what can you do" gesture, absolutely shocked that Pamela would be less than civil (yes, that was actually not sarcasm. Pamela and I may have our dumb fights, but we aren;t ever mean to each other) to me.
Needless to say, we didn't talk. Amber did say that I apparently didn't let her go to sleep the night before when I kept "bugging" her about why she was mad. Since I couldn't let that drop, she was pissed. On that I will say that Pamela played enough games with me that I was truly worried she was mad, and Pamela could have logged off the damn internet anytime she damnwell wanted. also, after she said "I don't want to talk about it" I didn;t ask her agian, I just tried to tell her that I really was trying to be a good friend.
that certainly doesn't add up. she was SO pissed that I didn't STOP asking about why she was mad (after having dropped the line "we need to have words") fast enough for her that she said "get the fuck out of my room" and completely ignored me and avoided me.
yeah. after having written all this, it makes PERFECT sense (on reflection) that I CLEARLY missed something and was CLEARLY in the wrong in (whatever it was) doing what I did.
yeah. right.

so I haven't updated in a while. it is amazing how being somewhat busy can take away from your time. also, video games ad PEOPLE take away from my time to post, as well.
I am job hunting, job hunting.... I have to find a job, yike! that's the way the crystal cracks, but life is a good thing mostly.
SO OU starts once again, and what would happen but, I regret things about school- I miss it in some ways. how weird is that. I didn't expect to, but i miss it, I miss living in the dorms and having my friends all around me, I miss going to classes where I actually learn something intersting.

but, at least, it won't be that long before i start doing something again.

CHAPTER (currently) 7


Finder cut more off the pig's carcass and handed the plate back to Saryn. He started to cut the pig on his plate apart with his knife. I could smell it, mixing with the taste of the fire, swirling up into the night's sky.
"So, Ser, where exactly are we?"
Saryn slurped down another hunk of hog. I wondered if she even chewed it. The slurp stuck for a second, as if it had caught on a branch in the wind. I casually brushed it away. Finder looked over at me, wondering what I had brushed at. I just shrugged. He raised an eyebrow, and turned his attention back to Saryn.
She was apparently chewing after all, because after some hefty unching she finally swallowed. I watched the food go down her throat, could almost feel the angry wet darkness that it met. I shrugged myself out of the path.
She finally opened her mouth to speak, and I couldn't feel any undertones in her voice, just pure conviction.
"Yellowstone National Park," she said.
Finder didn't even look startled, but I could see those words like a golden lining in the air. Something shuddered far away. I reached out and touched the words, and for a moment, they were there, hanging in air. Finder and Saryn stared at me, and I jerked my hand away. The words, as suddenly as they had appeared, were gone. Finder was going to raise his eyebrow. Saryn was going to shake her head. They did.
"I wonder if he'll ever stop surprising me," Finder said. I was surprised, he generally took my discoveries in stride. The mice in my head seemed amused, like they new it could only get worse.
Finder had a cigarette in his hand, he was lighting it. He took a drag, and then dropped his hand to his side.
Saryn stared at me for a long time. Then she continued. "Yellowstone is home to Homo Iracundia lapis, or the Yellowstone troll. Not a very friendly creature, it's been known to eat tourists on occasion."
I shuddered. the thought of one of our "cousins" eating someone bothered me.
She continued. "The Yellowstone troll is a bit above the level of the chimpanzee, it can make some stone tools, and use them to effective means."
I interupted. "What do the trolls have anything to do with us being in Yellowstone?" I asked. "We haven't seen any."
"And I doubt we will, trolls are very secretive, and tend to stay away from centers of power." She looked at me and Finder. "We are definetly a center of power."
Finder crushed the little left of his cigarette, and tossed it over his shoulder. It never landed. I looked at him. "Well, can't have us littering in the park, can we?"
"Anyway, as I was thrown over one of you guys' shoulders, I saw a troll-marked tree. They leave a very distinctive slash on trees to mark their territories, and I recognized the marking. So I knew we were in yellowstone."
Finder sighed. "Why yellowstone? Is there something here we needed?"
I remembered the creature in the cave. "I wonder if we were sent here for a good purpose. Whatever that thing in the cave was, we woke it up."
Finder looked at me. "I did recover something from the creature, though. and it may be the reason you are 'waking up.'"
I thought about it for a second. It was possible, the 'mice' had stirred around this time, and he did get something out of the cave.
"Plus," Saryn offered, "I absorbed the light that the creature emitted, and we might need that later, too."
The mice in my head did not agree. They stalked angrily around my mind, like they were trying to shake something lose in my memory.
"I suppose it's possible," I said.
"You have doubts," Finder stated.
It was my turn to sigh. "Yes, I have doubts. Both of you offered good points, But something still seems amiss." I shook my head. "There's something else." I remembered the Taramote.
Finder seemed to have a paralell thought. "There was the taramote," he said. "That surely has some significance."
"I was just thinking about that," I said.
"Taramotes only show up in dire circimstances. Some say they are the lesser heralds of the end of things." Taryn added.
Finder looked at me, looked at Saryn. "We knew that," he said. He wanted to have another cigarette. I shook my head, and looked at him. He didn't have his cigarette.
"Saryn, you have a degree in Supernatural Zoology, right?" I asked her.
She looked startled. "Yes, but I never told you guys that, did I?"
"I just knew." I explained.
She wanted to glare at me. "I don't like it when you do stuff like that," she said.
I was tired, and I was annoyed. "I can't not do it," I snapped. "It just happens."
Saryn looked hurt. I was even more annoyed by that. Her eyes blazed orange.
Finder held up his hands. "I think we should all get some rest. Tomorrow we'll be in a town or a city. We can ask if anything strange has been going on."
"you're right," i said. Sleep sounds good. Saryn didn't say anything.

As I lay down, wrapped in my sleeping bag, I could feel shadows surrounding me, gathering to me. I wondered if I would dream tonight. I was somehow comforted by their presence, Like a man comforted by the warmth of a fire.
THe creepings in my head wandered off into lazy snores as I fell asleep.

I talked to one of kelsey's friends over the internet. it was interesting... I think. talk about shadowtalk, though. I think I am beginning to speak shadow very well, hell, I could put that on a job application. "have a second language?" yes I do! I speak shadow fluently.... grr...
speaking of shadows... I am currently going to work on another chapter for my book, so keep your noses freshly clean, and don't fret. it'll be up in the next couple days.
I think I might be able to understand why people drink- but I don't think I understand why people drink to simply get drunk. I don't think I ever will.

I'm having an intersting experience of the emotional kind. maybe I'll alk about it later...
allright, well, I am going to work on the next chapter...