Massive and un-restrained title change was necessary

stupidity is debilitating.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Teacher fainted.

So I had a customer come in the other day and say “I need 20 dollars worth of gas on pump 5. and I’d like a carton of bronsons in a box.”

I went to get the carton of cigarettes and rang it up. “That’ll be forty-three dollars and six cents,” I said.

The customer looked up from his wallet with a startled and almost-angry expression. “How much were the cigarettes!?” he exclaimed.

And then today, I had two customers come in. the first one had a soda and a couple of other assorted items. I rang everything up and I said “Is that all for you?” (Or something to that effect, anyway.)

The customer replied, “No. I’d also like 2 two dollar crossword lottery tickets.”

I took his money, gave him his change, and (hitting all of my contacts, of course) turned to the next customer. Before I could say anything to him, he turned to the first customer and said, “Hey, how much were those tickets?”

And AGAIN!

A lady came up to the counter with a whole bunch of food items and several two liters. I greeted her, rang everything up, and she informed me that she wanted a pack of Newport 100s in a box.

“Okay. Your total will be eleven seventy-three,” I said.

The customer pointed at all of the merchandise on the counter with an impatient look on her face. “Did you get all of this stuff, too?” She asked me.

Since joining myspace (simply to comment on someone’s site) I have gotten MORE junk mail and junk invitations to be someone’s pal than I. Have. Ever. Seen. In. my. Life.

Myspace is a cancerous growth that is festering on the internet and eating out everyone’s insides. It is an ad-coated piece of crap which enables people who should NEVER even have a webpage, much less a computer, to write about themselves at whim.

If you couldn’t figure out livejournal or blogger, myspace might be for you. If you like getting solicitations and junk mail all the time, myspace is for you. And finally, if you like your private webpage compromised by ads for products that you might not have ever heard of, myspace is for you.

"Had I read Sterne more and Voltaire less, I should have known the world was wide enough for Hamilton and me."

-Aaron Burr

Attn:The Managing Director

Before I proceed, may I humbly introduce myself to your goodself, My Name is Mrs. Najia J. Mizban. an Iraq refugee. My late husband was untill recently, one of the personal aid to the former president of Iraq,President Saddam Hussen who was formerly overthrown out of power and was killed recently by the US government.
Prior to this last serious crisis that is still ravaging in mycountry,which recently led to misfortune of our government and my late husband position as the personal aid to the president, We inherited the sum of US$11 million.The funds were originally gotten from my late husband proceeds. My late husband was able to safe guard the fund with a very good diplomatic contact from my Country and deposited it in thailand.
I have decided to contact you because I am interested in investing in your country which is investment friendly. Please kindly guide and assist me in making the right investment since I am also interested in buying a residential property as I will be moving with my only son Haider in over there as soon as every thing regarding technical and logictics details is worked out and ascertained to our respective satisfaction. In view of your participation,I am ready to give you a good negotiable percentage for your assistance or better still commit it into viable Joint venture projects with you.
Be assured that you stand norisk of any kind as the funds belong to me and my only survived son haider. As soon as I get your consent, we will quickly move this fund to your country for investment . Again, upon your acceptance to work as my partner, you can contact me withmy private e-mail najia_jzban01@yahoo.com.my , for more details.
I strongly believe that associating with you to embark on this and other business ventures will derive a huge success here after, please include you private contact telephone number and private e-mail for replying. We look unto Allah for your positive prompt response.

yahoo.com.my? what the hell? yeah, that's believable.

mmm. I just did an internet search and apparently that's yahoo Malaysia. this is the first internet scam I've received in a long while. it's kinda tiresome, actually....

Paris Hilton, who recently spent a small amount of time in jail for recklessly endangering the public (Exposing others to STD’s, spreading stupid catch-phrases, being on magazine covers and, finally, drunk driving) says “yes!”

After being released from jail Hilton replaced her blonde hair extensions, spent a few moments with her six dogs (all of which are named Fifi except for one that Hilton, in a rare moment of creativity, named Tinkerbell), and then gave an extensive interview with People magazine.

People asked many questions, from “How did you feel leaving the jail?” to “Let’s go back to September 7^th, the night of your DUI arrest. What happened?”

To the second question, Paris says that she was filming her music video and was hungry, so she had a few sips of a friend’s drink. This somehow resulted in a blood alcohol level of 8%. She then decided that alcohol wasn’t a good substitute for food and (since she wasn’t currently starving herself) she drove, on a suspended license, down to In-N-Out Burger. She must have been weaving or SOMETHING because the police pulled her over and she got arrested for being a drunk. Paris comments “since that night I never drank and drove again.” Well of course you didn’t, Paris. You were being handcuffed and hauled off to jail, and then court. Considering you’ve just gotten OUT of jail, now’s your chance to really shine and take out a bus full of kids.

The next question again demonstrates Paris’ famous intelligence. People asks her why she kept driving with her suspended license, and she replies that she was under the impression she DID have her license. She was advised that “[She was] not allowed to drive for 30 days, then 90 days after that [she could] drive to and from work.” She further says that she didn’t drive during the thirty day period, and then says “after that I drove for work related purposes.” Like, for instance, driving down to In-N-Out Burger. At first I was confused and thought she was simply going to get food, which wouldn't have been work related, but she must have actually been driving to work. That would make more sense, given that she actually told People that she was driving around “for work related purposes.”

Paris seems to believe she was simply a victim of a bad set of circumstances- when People asked her if she’d ever had a drinking problem, she replied “No. I don’t even enjoy drinking.” I can’t say I’m surprised, I mean, why would anyone think Paris has a drinking problem, much less that she actually ENJOYS to drink? She’s frequently seen in bars, and she’s been pulled over, DRUNK, at least twice. Knowing this, I certainly don’t think she likes to drink. Why would I?

There’s more. Apparently a People.com poll found that 78% of America thought that Paris “got what she deserved.” Was she hit by a bus? No? Well, then I don’t think she got what she deserved. Paris was shocked at the public’s reaction to her sentencing, and says she has a lot to offer. “I’m a good person… I can do so much more than what I’ve done.” Get on it, Paris. You have a lot of money, and spending it on the poor will, of course, Insure your place in heaven.

Paris also was apparently surprised at her sentence- she seems to think that 45 days in jail (of which she only spent 23 in jail) is a harsh sentence for driving DRUNK on a suspended license.

Paris also had a problem with the fact that she was being treated like a criminal during the court room proceedings. Apparently the security guards who hauled her off to take her to jail didn’t let her hug her mom. She also didn’t think that the judge was fair, and I agree. 45 days in jail for drunk driving with a suspended license? That’s a complete joke! It’s kind of like George W. commuting “Scooter” Libby’s sentence. A complete joke.

Paris has big plans to change her image- She says “[I] used to act dumb,” but that act “is no longer cute.” She says that after being on the simple life and after being seen in public, “people assume that’s how I really am.” She says that every part of the media is projecting a “twisted and distorted” version of herself. “The person that I read about… is not who my friends know me to be.”

Well, your whole “dumb act” managed to fool everyone. I mean, you had the whole thing nailed- from the answers in the interview I just read down to getting arrested for driving drunk with a suspended license. You were acting SO dumb, it was perfect!

Paris, I have to salute you- acting THAT stupid can’t be easy. By demonstrating your amazing acting abilities, you’ve made it clear that you truly are one of Hollywood’s finest.

So… I decided to wash my car tonight. Near the end of the drying process I decided to move the car into the garage because water was condensing kinda like fog on the roof, and I was probably getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, so it just seemed like a good idea.

I soon realized that the garage was not particularly safe- mosquitoes seemed to have followed me in, I could hear them periodically buzzing near my ears.

I sighed, quit drying my car, and decided it was time to take out a few of the little pests.

After killing seven using only my fists and leather chamois, I soon realized there were many more in the garage than I had anticipated. I killed a few that landed on the walls and slapped several out of the air with the mentioned chamois. I even managed to snatch four or five out of the air and crush them in a fist, letting their mangled bodies fall to the concrete below. It was me vs. the mosquitoes, and I was winning.

At some point while I was swinging my chamois furiously at a small cloud of the blood suckers, I heard a tremendously loud, and quite deep buzzing sound right next to my ear. I jerked back- this was no ordinary mosquito! The sucker (heh) was so big, I could see it easily flying through the air. I waited for a good moment to drive it into oblivion, but it dodged my feeble attempts, and landed right on the “H” on the front grille of my car.

Smashing this monster on my newly clean car was just unacceptable. Further, it was a tree hole mosquito- and one of the largest I’ve ever seen. It was nearly half an inch long, covered in black and white bands, and it looked mean.

I hesitated for a brief moment, and the mosquito stayed there, seemingly taunting me to smash it all over the Silver H. I swung the chamois at it, trying to scoot it away, but instead it just flew a few inches, and landed right back on the front grille.

At this point I decided I was going to go get a cup and catch the monster, for no particular reason other than I wanted to catch it and show Tracy how monstrous the beast was.

I ran inside, got a cup, and came back out as quickly as I could- and it was gone.

I looked around the garage carefully, cutting a swath through all the mosquitoes I could see, but I couldn’t locate the tree hole mosquito again. I killed well over thirty mosquitoes this night, but the tree hole mosquito is still out there, hiding somewhere in my garage….

I had a long, and somewhat frustrating (but also fun) day. I had a customer throw a bottle of soda at someone’s car because he was messing with one of our pumps and she told on him (I have no idea what he was doing. Just pushing buttons on the gas pump).

I had another customer butt in on a conversation I was having with Curtis. It was going something somewhat like this:

Me: “I borrowed a 7 amp corded drill from a friend to do my tiling job. Man, that thing has more torque than my car!”
(Curtis laughs)
Customer: “What kind of car do you have?”
Me: “I’m only kidding.”

Customer: “Well, you wouldn’t believe the kind of numbers our cars had when I was your age.”

Me: “well, my car only has around 140 ft. lbs of torque.”

(Customer laughs uproariously, as if at some really funny joke)

Me: “Well, it’s only a 2 litre. But it does have 200 horsepower. You have to give it some credit.”
Customer: “Suuuure.”

The fact is, he’s probably remembering his hemi from the good ol’ days. I’m sure he had something stupid and absurd that got 8 miles to the gallon and managed to pull a ¼ mile in 15 seconds. That’s moderately fast, but my car can do that with 100 ftlbs less torque, 100 less horsepower, and manage to get 4 times the gas mileage while doing it.

This is NOT the kind of customer that had something that pulled a 0-60 in 5 seconds, and a quarter in 13 flat. No. not that kind of guy.

The older generation can scoff at the cars moving around on the streets these days, but my car is much better, in many ways, to those older cars. First off, the car that I am driving is as fast, and faster than, some of those old muscle cars. Not very many of them, though. Some of those cars were insanely quick. They were also very expensive and got something like 4-8 miles per gallon. By the time you managed to drive one home, you were going right back to the gas station. They also weren’t limited by catalytic converters, which manage to steal a lot of horsepower.

My car is averaging 28 miles per gallon (combined city highway)

It’s as fast as some of those older cars

It has better handling

My car has a higher specific output than the majority of those older cars

And it’s better made.

So everyone out there that’s so god-damned proud of their old school, gas guzzling, environment slaying, catalytic converter-less piece of SHIT- go hang yourself.

Or better yet, drive your car off of a cliff. That will solve it pretty nicely.

Note: I actually have a lot of respect for a lot of those older cars, and find many of them beautiful. They were from a different time period. Credit must be given where credit is due, and many of those cars will always be some of the most powerful and quickest cars around.

Congratulations to nikki who gets a gold star for figuring it all out.

So, I don’t know if anyone else has read anything about the white house officials who leaked the name of a covert CIA operative? Well, it went to this huge trial and this guy named Libby got a 250,000 dollar fine, 30 months in jail, and then 2 years home probation after that. Pretty serious. Of course, leaking the name of a covert CIA operative and putting their life in direct jeopardy is pretty serious, too.

George W decided it would be a grand idea to commute Libby’s sentence. He won’t be going to jail.

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check this out!

http://jason.mchu.com/VCE/index.html

what the hell?