Massive and un-restrained title change was necessary

Paris Hilton, who recently spent a small amount of time in jail for recklessly endangering the public (Exposing others to STD’s, spreading stupid catch-phrases, being on magazine covers and, finally, drunk driving) says “yes!”

After being released from jail Hilton replaced her blonde hair extensions, spent a few moments with her six dogs (all of which are named Fifi except for one that Hilton, in a rare moment of creativity, named Tinkerbell), and then gave an extensive interview with People magazine.

People asked many questions, from “How did you feel leaving the jail?” to “Let’s go back to September 7^th, the night of your DUI arrest. What happened?”

To the second question, Paris says that she was filming her music video and was hungry, so she had a few sips of a friend’s drink. This somehow resulted in a blood alcohol level of 8%. She then decided that alcohol wasn’t a good substitute for food and (since she wasn’t currently starving herself) she drove, on a suspended license, down to In-N-Out Burger. She must have been weaving or SOMETHING because the police pulled her over and she got arrested for being a drunk. Paris comments “since that night I never drank and drove again.” Well of course you didn’t, Paris. You were being handcuffed and hauled off to jail, and then court. Considering you’ve just gotten OUT of jail, now’s your chance to really shine and take out a bus full of kids.

The next question again demonstrates Paris’ famous intelligence. People asks her why she kept driving with her suspended license, and she replies that she was under the impression she DID have her license. She was advised that “[She was] not allowed to drive for 30 days, then 90 days after that [she could] drive to and from work.” She further says that she didn’t drive during the thirty day period, and then says “after that I drove for work related purposes.” Like, for instance, driving down to In-N-Out Burger. At first I was confused and thought she was simply going to get food, which wouldn't have been work related, but she must have actually been driving to work. That would make more sense, given that she actually told People that she was driving around “for work related purposes.”

Paris seems to believe she was simply a victim of a bad set of circumstances- when People asked her if she’d ever had a drinking problem, she replied “No. I don’t even enjoy drinking.” I can’t say I’m surprised, I mean, why would anyone think Paris has a drinking problem, much less that she actually ENJOYS to drink? She’s frequently seen in bars, and she’s been pulled over, DRUNK, at least twice. Knowing this, I certainly don’t think she likes to drink. Why would I?

There’s more. Apparently a People.com poll found that 78% of America thought that Paris “got what she deserved.” Was she hit by a bus? No? Well, then I don’t think she got what she deserved. Paris was shocked at the public’s reaction to her sentencing, and says she has a lot to offer. “I’m a good person… I can do so much more than what I’ve done.” Get on it, Paris. You have a lot of money, and spending it on the poor will, of course, Insure your place in heaven.

Paris also was apparently surprised at her sentence- she seems to think that 45 days in jail (of which she only spent 23 in jail) is a harsh sentence for driving DRUNK on a suspended license.

Paris also had a problem with the fact that she was being treated like a criminal during the court room proceedings. Apparently the security guards who hauled her off to take her to jail didn’t let her hug her mom. She also didn’t think that the judge was fair, and I agree. 45 days in jail for drunk driving with a suspended license? That’s a complete joke! It’s kind of like George W. commuting “Scooter” Libby’s sentence. A complete joke.

Paris has big plans to change her image- She says “[I] used to act dumb,” but that act “is no longer cute.” She says that after being on the simple life and after being seen in public, “people assume that’s how I really am.” She says that every part of the media is projecting a “twisted and distorted” version of herself. “The person that I read about… is not who my friends know me to be.”

Well, your whole “dumb act” managed to fool everyone. I mean, you had the whole thing nailed- from the answers in the interview I just read down to getting arrested for driving drunk with a suspended license. You were acting SO dumb, it was perfect!