Oct 19, 2003
It's hard to deal with life when you realize how much you are failing at everything thing in life. The realization that I am worthless ,and, in fact, don't have it in me to become something other than worthless, didn't exactly shock me; but it certainly wasn't pleasant.
I have probably had the worst beginning of a semester that I have ever had. EVER. it's been so shitty... I sit and I wonder what I am worth, I think about how much of a failure I am, and wonder if I really shouldn't end it all. I hate it all so much... the pain, the anguish, and most of all, the hopeless feeling I get when I try to change anything;
The worst thing is that I am failing my mom, I'M FAILING HER. She didn't ever ask me for much, and I am this worthless thing that can't even accomplish what she asks of me. I just want to go crawl into a hole and die somewhere, I really do. I had to tell her today about what I am going through, had to tell her about this terrible semester. I felt even worse afterwards, not because I told her, but because she was willing to take it as an excuse for my failure; and this makes me feel even worse. I feel so guilty, and so betrayed; and then I feel like I have betrayed everyone I know.
Sarah got grounded... I feel responsible, even though I haven't done anything at all. I hate this all so much, I hate it all. hate it all. hate it. hate. such a powerful word, and I actually think It's incorrect, grief or anguish would be better, anguish is, I think, the correct word.
I feel horrible. I wish that I was alcoholically inclined so I could drink this all away, or I wish I was suicidal enough just to kill myself and get this miserable life over with.
I don't remember what happiness is. I wish I could find it again.
Gas for the fire,
I want to end it all now.
Nothing but burnt sticks
I have probably had the worst beginning of a semester that I have ever had. EVER. it's been so shitty... I sit and I wonder what I am worth, I think about how much of a failure I am, and wonder if I really shouldn't end it all. I hate it all so much... the pain, the anguish, and most of all, the hopeless feeling I get when I try to change anything;
The worst thing is that I am failing my mom, I'M FAILING HER. She didn't ever ask me for much, and I am this worthless thing that can't even accomplish what she asks of me. I just want to go crawl into a hole and die somewhere, I really do. I had to tell her today about what I am going through, had to tell her about this terrible semester. I felt even worse afterwards, not because I told her, but because she was willing to take it as an excuse for my failure; and this makes me feel even worse. I feel so guilty, and so betrayed; and then I feel like I have betrayed everyone I know.
Sarah got grounded... I feel responsible, even though I haven't done anything at all. I hate this all so much, I hate it all. hate it all. hate it. hate. such a powerful word, and I actually think It's incorrect, grief or anguish would be better, anguish is, I think, the correct word.
I feel horrible. I wish that I was alcoholically inclined so I could drink this all away, or I wish I was suicidal enough just to kill myself and get this miserable life over with.
I don't remember what happiness is. I wish I could find it again.
Gas for the fire,
I want to end it all now.
Nothing but burnt sticks
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