Aug 3, 2004
a much needed update
who knows? we all grow up. we all change. but you know, it sucks a bit- looking back and seeing me as I was. I used to be all bouncy- and friendly to pretty much everyone. I'm still friendly, but that bouncy part of me that was almost happy go lucky is pretty much gone.
I'm not sure if that's bad, or good, but it sorta... sucks? I mean, that part of me either annoyed or charmed people- and sometimes annoyed me- but to lose it totally? is that just life jading me? I suppose.
It's funny, I was talking to some of brandon's little High School friends the other day, and I said "nothing really changes. the situations do, but nothing really changes."
it's true. I used to say that a lot- and not really totally understand it. but it doesn't change. chances are, my life won't be any better in ten years. it might be more stable- that's not neccesarilly better- it won't be much different.
I was reading about Eternal Recurrence the other day- it's this interesting existentialist "philosophy" that more or less states that all the possibilities are covered- you've done something (like lived this life) a million times before, and you will, a million times more.
I don't believe that I've sat here and written this post a billion and one times- but I do accept that there's nothing truly different about my life as opposed to, say, someone's life in Rome 2,000 years ago.
I have technology, but all my hopes, dreams, loves, hatreds, betrayals, anger, failures, hardships, addictions- it's all the same. no change.
I'm not saying that I don't aspire to something- I want a family, to become a successful writer, to be a good cook, all that. but will it be "better" when I finally reach those goals?
I don't think so. I think it will be the same- I'm not even sure I'll be happier. I'll have new goals, and new problems. Hence, nothing really changes. Situatiounally, yes.
I'm sure you all can point out flaws. I can think of a couple things people would mention. but did it REALLY change? did it REALLY get better? there will be shitty times later, it's all a balance.
this- all that, it doesn't mean I hate life- or think it has no purpose, or isn't worth living. that's almost the opposite.
I joke a lot about commiting suicide, killing myself this or killing myself that. Maybe it's because I'm not afraid of death that I joke that way. who knows, but I have no intentions of killing myself. Life has lots of meaning, and there are goals to accomplish, new goals to find. new people to meet, all that. it just doesn't really change.
Speaking of Death, that's something I wanted to hit on for a second.
Why be afraid of it? I'm not sure where I am going when I die- I don't believe in the Heaven pictured in the bible. Hell, I could cease to exist- but then, would I care? I suppose I'd care if I truly went to hell, but that's too easy an answer. too easy to decide that SOMEBODY happened to be right, a long time ago.
I'm afraid of a painful death, that would suck. and going to the really hardcore heaven where all I get to do is sing hymns to god's greatness all day. that would suck hardcore. But reincarnation, or, even nothingness, wouldn't be so bad. in either case, I wouldn't know or care.
Really, though, i'm curious of these people who are terrified of death and profess to KNOW where they are going when they die. (I've tried, and failed, to write out these thoughts 4 times before. so, this time I'm posting them.) If you KNOW you're going to Heaven, or GOING to be reincarnated, why be so afraid? Hell, you're more sure of where you are going than I am, so the idea of death should suck, but not terrify you.
People who freak out when others talk about death- that seems to imply that they are terrified of it. if you can't talk about something, chances are, it bugs you. get over it. people die. we ALL do. some of you shouldn't be concerned, you have your free meal ticket. or a new life. whatever it is you get.
I don't know. going to Heaven, that might suck, too. the idea of living forever bugs me. Now, I could do it Orson Scott Card Style and just go back to the void until someone needs a soul, or I could do it in the What Dreams May Come style and make my own heaven. that would be cool.
That's all for now, I don't have any more philosophies to offer. but everyone should read a little Existentialism.
A Primer to Existentialism
Wait, being a cow would suck, too. I don't know why anyone would want to be a cow. Moo.
I'm not sure if that's bad, or good, but it sorta... sucks? I mean, that part of me either annoyed or charmed people- and sometimes annoyed me- but to lose it totally? is that just life jading me? I suppose.
It's funny, I was talking to some of brandon's little High School friends the other day, and I said "nothing really changes. the situations do, but nothing really changes."
it's true. I used to say that a lot- and not really totally understand it. but it doesn't change. chances are, my life won't be any better in ten years. it might be more stable- that's not neccesarilly better- it won't be much different.
I was reading about Eternal Recurrence the other day- it's this interesting existentialist "philosophy" that more or less states that all the possibilities are covered- you've done something (like lived this life) a million times before, and you will, a million times more.
I don't believe that I've sat here and written this post a billion and one times- but I do accept that there's nothing truly different about my life as opposed to, say, someone's life in Rome 2,000 years ago.
I have technology, but all my hopes, dreams, loves, hatreds, betrayals, anger, failures, hardships, addictions- it's all the same. no change.
I'm not saying that I don't aspire to something- I want a family, to become a successful writer, to be a good cook, all that. but will it be "better" when I finally reach those goals?
I don't think so. I think it will be the same- I'm not even sure I'll be happier. I'll have new goals, and new problems. Hence, nothing really changes. Situatiounally, yes.
I'm sure you all can point out flaws. I can think of a couple things people would mention. but did it REALLY change? did it REALLY get better? there will be shitty times later, it's all a balance.
this- all that, it doesn't mean I hate life- or think it has no purpose, or isn't worth living. that's almost the opposite.
I joke a lot about commiting suicide, killing myself this or killing myself that. Maybe it's because I'm not afraid of death that I joke that way. who knows, but I have no intentions of killing myself. Life has lots of meaning, and there are goals to accomplish, new goals to find. new people to meet, all that. it just doesn't really change.
Speaking of Death, that's something I wanted to hit on for a second.
Why be afraid of it? I'm not sure where I am going when I die- I don't believe in the Heaven pictured in the bible. Hell, I could cease to exist- but then, would I care? I suppose I'd care if I truly went to hell, but that's too easy an answer. too easy to decide that SOMEBODY happened to be right, a long time ago.
I'm afraid of a painful death, that would suck. and going to the really hardcore heaven where all I get to do is sing hymns to god's greatness all day. that would suck hardcore. But reincarnation, or, even nothingness, wouldn't be so bad. in either case, I wouldn't know or care.
Really, though, i'm curious of these people who are terrified of death and profess to KNOW where they are going when they die. (I've tried, and failed, to write out these thoughts 4 times before. so, this time I'm posting them.) If you KNOW you're going to Heaven, or GOING to be reincarnated, why be so afraid? Hell, you're more sure of where you are going than I am, so the idea of death should suck, but not terrify you.
People who freak out when others talk about death- that seems to imply that they are terrified of it. if you can't talk about something, chances are, it bugs you. get over it. people die. we ALL do. some of you shouldn't be concerned, you have your free meal ticket. or a new life. whatever it is you get.
I don't know. going to Heaven, that might suck, too. the idea of living forever bugs me. Now, I could do it Orson Scott Card Style and just go back to the void until someone needs a soul, or I could do it in the What Dreams May Come style and make my own heaven. that would be cool.
That's all for now, I don't have any more philosophies to offer. but everyone should read a little Existentialism.
A Primer to Existentialism
Wait, being a cow would suck, too. I don't know why anyone would want to be a cow. Moo.
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